Say it like u mean it

I'll melt the snow

2008-08-11T07:11:00.001-07:00

Its been ages since I blogged,been really caught up with work,I am trying to cope and the occasional break downs are somethings I am not spared from.Soemtimes I am so tensed and irritated with the way I was precepted,I sincerly feel my potential is not utilized in the department I am in.Some of them drive me insane with the way the carry out their work.I am still trying to cope.The work is easy but blending in is hard especially when your of a different breed from all of them and your backgroud is different.My expectations of the ward was really high and I can safely say it was not met.I am dissapointed. Went out with my girlies today,it was awesome,I was the usual crappy me.Bought a number of stuffs.I was really happy to my girls:) love you guys! Nadiah I know you'd read this,remember that I AM YOUR BF!!! I really in need of sleep though!Baby I am sorry for neglecting you today. I love you sugarmunchie!

mad

2008-07-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

its hard especially when your new and they step on you.
its hard
it sucks
it really does
i hate the place
i really do

To my dreamers

2008-06-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

Dreamers, have you heard the phrase: “What you don’t know won’t hurt you“? I’m sure you have. Everyone says it. Well in case you haven’t figured it out, that’s crap! The fact that everyone accepts something as true, doesn’t make it true.

I’m feeling really tired. Not sleepy tired (although I could sleep). But I’m talking about the kind of tired you feel after you run a marathon and you cross the finish line and all you want to do is collapse. Keep in mind I never actually ran in a marathon, but I have run a 2 mile race and I nearly died.

I need answers. Ok maybe I want answers. Things just don’t seem real to me until I understand why they are happening or what the purpose is. Purpose is huge for me. Small details don’t bother me like they bother other people as long as I know the purpose. I can get on board with almost anything if I understand its role in the grand scheme of things. Even if its purpose isn’t important, it at least has to have one.

Then again, who am I to demand to know anything?

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, “it might have been”,'it could have','i don't know'

Take from that what you will.

Its hard trying to change and nobody is perfect..if we were all perfect we wouldnt be in existence...SOmetimes the pressure to change can be overwhelming and be serve as a disadvantage.its scary.i just want you in my arms..the old you.The boy who used to text me just to say you miss me..the boy who lokked forward in spending every minute with me,the boy who loved my craziness.Just the boy who I once knew I can go back home to everyday of my life.

Boy,this is for you:

Babyboy your everything I wanted and needed.
I never thought in years to come that I will meet someone so spontaneous.
I was selfish and only rhpugh of my security but I never did though about your feelings,I apoligise and I admit I feel horrible inside of me,I just want thoigs to be back to basics.. us crazy n happy..

Im sorry

2008-06-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

It hurts it hurts so bad.
wha did i do to you,seasons are changing and waves are crashing.
Days grow longer and noghts grow shorter.
Im suicidal.
All talks and no action.
Please don't move out away.
I am here for you.
Please don't walk away.
Im here,infront of you,pleading.
Dont leave me,I miss you.I miss you.
I just want to be left alone for now,words you said have made my heart sour and heavy,i deserve it,i know i have initiated break ups but this time you wanted a timeout,well I still love you the same.

Do you think??

2008-05-13T00:58:00.000-07:00

Do you think
You could fall for a woman like me
'Cause I find it hard to trust
I need too much
And I really don't believe in love, no no
Do you think
That I could be the girl of your dreams
Sometimes I don't let things go
Get emotional
And sometimes I'm just out of control
You need to stop for a minute
Before you get too, deep up in it
'Cause everything ain't what it seems
It's hard loving a woman
A woman like me
You need to think about it
Before you get hooked on the venom
And can't live without it

The past weeks have been pretty nice,been to busy to blog and do anything else for that matter,the ward has been really busy, I am happy cause my mind is occupied,sometimes I just feel that some people would just come to their senses,people whom I know who know about the desperate ex of my bf have been like.. OH MY GOD WHAT THE???!! Why cant people let go and move on? I mean if you cheated on him once, that was blunt enough to show your sincerity ,silly isnt it.. I mean the thing that you,as a girl should be having on your mind is for your ex to be happy and not be vengeful and cause redundant problems..I made it clear.. its never my loss if he loses me cause bitch.. Ima tough girl,I dont give in easily,you mess with me? Think again,I have something to tell you,what goes around will come way back around and when it does itss gonna hit you twice as hard.Now wretch,I have nothing against you,so don't you dare go around spreading stories..well at the end of the day in solitary confinement in the presence of the lord we'd know who is reasonable.Friendster comments,shoutouts,bulletins are nothing to me.You had the guts to implement but did have the guts to face the consequences? Think twice before you do anything cause your betweem the devil and the deep blue sea already. Haha nice show you have been putting up.And yes girls!SOme peagant rejects just love to act like they're the beauty queen huh? Attention seeking anorexic turtle!! whahahah!!!

Babyy!

2008-05-13T00:57:00.000-07:00

Every step I make
And every breath I take
I took cuz I cant wait
To be closer to you
Baby you're so sweet
You give me cavities
I get a stomach ache
If I cant be with you
At night I fall asleep
And I dont wanna wake up
Cuz you are in my dreams
A heavenly creation
In the body that
I only wanna share with you
Everything I do is just for you
Countin every second til we rendezvous
And I cant wait
To give my love to you
Cuz everything I do is just for you

A message to a dumb cynic/s

2008-05-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

It's too complicated
To explain my relationship
My friends are hating
Cause they are feelin’ what I’m feelin’
Leave me alone
And just let me be
Find your own thing
And get off of me!
Cause your such a sore loser and I am real girl I end what I start!

Feels like a prodigy

2008-04-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

This saturaday is going to mark the end of two weeks of being a staff nurse.
Amazing!
Time flies.My ward is really busy and yes the kids are 'oh so adorable'.There was this particular child who really touched my heart,he was a case of contractures and keloids,that kid however was determined to do all his ADLs on his own,I watched him closely,I could help but to burst into tears aftet that,sometimes I sincerely thank god with all my heart for creating me holistically.That child has a lot of difficulty in mobilising but he does every single think with a smile,on the day of his discharge he crawled up to me(thats cause he cant walk) and held my knees and thanked me.I was so touched.Little boy you will always be in my prayers and i really hope you'd do your mum proud.The other days were busy.Saw some new faces and yes the usual glares,come on!! get a life seriously.We went for service from the heart course on thursday and friday it was really fun and we had an awesome time.Sheherun,Farah,Rajin,Joanne,Me.. put us together and you get mayhem,our main rockstar..germaine was missing though!! miss that babe.. and today I caught some idiots glaring like they have never seen a staff nurse in mufti before...god the problem is I am so used to people glaring at me,so glare all you want I'd hit you in a way you'd never expect:) Whahahah... Meet on of my friends in OT... well heared that there were plenty of new staffs there.. whahaha!!! *chuckles to germaine*
You know what people..glare and condemn all you want cause when it comes to my ears.. you'd get a bombastic blast from your truely, LIL VAIN!

Workaholic's colic.

2008-04-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

The first day at work was a new experience.
Donning the uniform of a registered nurse was a dream cone true.
Honestly I felt kinda tensed when I wore it,cause it is totally different.When you don that uniform its like 'YOU GOTTA KNOW IT ALL'
Orientation was really brief,the really see to every aspect of our learning and th thing i love about the NMs who orientated us,is the way the reassure us. This is my first time working in the healthcare line,student times were really different and so was PRCP times,cause during those times.. even if were unsure you still had a way or another out,but being an RN is a whole new challenging task.I know I will love it,cause I love working in a face paced environment.

I made many new friends,some whom I saw in school but never really had the opportunity to talk to.Some of them are...
Farah,she is really nice and sweet.She called me"BABE IN TOTAL CONTROL OF HERSELF"
Germaine,she is spontaneous and yes she has a great voice i must admit!
Rajin,she is one hellova fun loving sweetheart!
Xinni,she is one of the preetiest chinese girl I have seen!
Nise,ouhh!! haha me and nisa are excellent crap mates,she is one person who can be there for you to hear you out!

Ouhkay..the second day was loaded with lectures and ward.
The ward I am in is nice,the staff seemed friendly yet intimidating.
I cleaned up a child and fed another.Then I went around the ward to familiarise with the ward setting.

I have to revise all my stuffs... my NM is really nice though and she was like why did you choose peads? your like the rare few who choose paeds from adults,then I told her that I wanted something more challenging so thats why I chose paeds,cause in paeds you nurse both the child and parent:)

Well I have gotten my apron,the nurses are supposed to wear it as long as their are in the clinical setting,its really cute ,white with teddybear prints:)

gdnite for now.
babyiloveyou

The shopper in me.

2008-03-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

Its been crazy fun as of lately!
Like totally hanging loase and indulging in retail therapy is really what I needed.
I have been shopping,tutoring and doing my bridal stuffs.
I have been too busy and happy at the same time.
For some reason I feel much relieved and yes my heart feels really light.
I miss baby alot whenever I don't see him,its been really long since I went over his place and I really have to go and see his family soon cause I miss them.
Went shopping for a bag with baby and his friend yesterday.
Baby's friend JJ was laughing the whole time cause I was cracking crappy jokes,we went form bugis to dhoby ghaut to somerset to orchard to far east then to boonlay and back to my crib,tanah merah.I was proudly showing JJ my work of art with henna and he was like WOWW!!! this is good stuff! I popped in to MAC at Tangs,the colours carried by MAC is super bold and ultra sexy,its no wonder why my previous makeup artist used it on me when I did bridal modelling.I told baby that I am going to get the whole of MAC in my room,the very next minute baby and JJ gave me the "OHHH NOO" look.Cute lil fellas they are.I finally got my eyes set on one bag from ZINC at far east.Bags these days are so fugly.I wanted to get a GUESS one but I was afraid that it might get stolen like my previous one.SO yea settled down on a $42 Bronzy bag.It matched my uniform a great deal:) Thanks baby and JJ darling for bearing with my fickleness all in the vain of getting a bag. We went to CHAOS .. and godd the outfits there were really hot hot hot,baby and JJ were like..ooooohhh .Well I am gonna get some outfits from there with my next pay!

Today was bodyshop's ware house sale at suntec city.Okay okay I spent 300:)
Hehe,but it was worth the cash cause I am a bodyshop lover:)

Here is a peek to what I bought and baby quotes it as 'my expensive girlfriend's possession,this is where money can buy happiness!!' hahaha

Doll's confessions.

2008-03-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have 3 weeks to srtart work!:) I am pretty happy with that,cause I am finally goign to be totally occupied!I miss school alot though,the working world is going to be a new experience for me.I am now a full pledge staff nurse at kkh,paeds surgical side! Clap for me!! Haha... well I showed my academic transcipt and conformation letter to uncle anthony and her was extremely delighted and congradulated me.My family is full of nurses! yes I really mean it!The inspiration to be a nurse crept on me when I was 9.I wanted to be a doctor intially but I felt that nursing has more satisfaction.Now I have alot of things that I need to do.That is get armed for work,start waking up early,get my black heels and proper padding cause I am flat footed! Haha,the next.. my clips,cause I am always wearing my hair in different styles.A new bag to fit all my essentials,new contacts-mainly blue,amethyst,stockings to prevent varicose veins.

Well well... prior to that I need to get plenty of new stuffs,my makeup box is begging for more colours,so is my wardrobe and that means.... shopping!!! I need new lingeres as well,my uniform is pretty transparent and its going to be a feasr for the eyes of those who work with me!! :) I never wear skin coloured bras,I'm a die hard pierre cardin and beedies fan,now its my new found love,marks and spencer bras,now dad's bank account is going to run dry!

I am goign to erase the past,hurtful memories and start all over,give the one who had hurt me so bad another worthy chance,the truth is that I can never do without you,you said you'd be cheating yourself cause you'd be talking to me with the thinking that I am still your gf when I am not,I don't want to put you in such a situation,too much has happened between us and I can never leave you helpless,that's somethingI never ever do,I initially said that I wanted a break up to relieve you from all the problems that your having.I know that a relationship is stronger after every hurdle,but its not the case when the hurdles are a daily affair,sweetheart I love you,I need you terribly cause I know your the one I want to be with,you a typical epitome of my kinda guy.Spontaneous,sweet,sexy,cute,sporty,I love you tons darling,I really do,if I had one wish,itll be to be with you forever.I am sorry for hurting you,baby i love you.

To hell with you.

2008-03-16T04:25:00.000-07:00

Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart
No more looking i've found home
I'm gone away

I just don't understand your negligence,i dont,I dont understand your behaviour,do you know how painstaking it is? To feel the way I do.I swear I have had enough,darling we are better as friends,lets start it over,the right way,I am living a lie,I feel that,you take me for granted,I hate that,you don't even spend much time with me like you used to,you don't care,you really dont.I have enough,I have done enough,i cant hold on with someone who comes to me when he needs me and leaving me to fight reality when he doesnt need me.Girls out there,if your tortured like me,mentally, thinking about all the insecurities it better off getting over and done with everything.

Pertinent details

2008-03-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling very puzzled this morning,been disturbed by many thoughts which have pertinent details of detruction and brutality.Its scary,I am frightened of abandonment,who isnt? Imagine if one day you wake up to find your loved ones have forgotten about you and your seen as plastic? The thought of it sends chills down my spine.I have made certain vows which I want to fulfill to be more accomplished,its as nitty as making an attempt to learn the art of cooking and as bombastic as getting a degree before I am 22.I have huge dreams of making it successful,I want to be someone people can turn into,depend on,things at home are way better than ever,I am happy that god answered my desperate pleas for domestic peace.As for my relationship,its going smooth but there are times where I breakdown.I have learned alot these past months,values of life,the importance of living for yourself and not others,its amazing how much I have grown,well sometimes I ponder and ask god, why me? but I realise its destined,whats written can never be changed,living through all of it makes you stand out from all the rest.So to everyone out there,live your dreams and follow your heart,no one knows you better then yourself,you live you live the way you want it ,you don't need to please others cause at the end of the day you are your own ranger.

Cosmo gismo,me the makeup artist!

2008-03-12T09:23:00.001-07:00

The saying:'For things to change you got to change' is so true.
Things are fine,at least for this moment.
I am happy with the way I am .I drew up thia little book of all my WANTS,and top of it was to get a license,a degree,a cosmoprof diploma.I am have an immanse passion for makeup following nursing.I was raving all about makeup to baby,and he was like honey,I bet there is no more room for any new stocks in your huge house.I bit my lip and gave him that 'oopsy' look.Well I've alwaya believed in living my dreams,so why not,a cosmoprof makeup diploma is going to take up alot of my time but with my aunt's help I'd be able to do it,its no wonder why she is an cosmoprof examiner.Work is offically beginning in a month and a days time.I am having mixed feelings,that is excitement and anxiousness.Working with kids has always been a dream,and thanks to sister christine who gave me the opportunity to live my dreams,I am going to work with baby's aunt,che is the nurse cliician of the ward I am assigned to,I got to start mugging so that I have everything at my fingertips,well I am very particular about knowing everything about the job I undertake,it is only of ultimate benefit to me to maximise my potential,From the 14th of this month I have decided to start working out,mugging in addition to my normal schedule;which irreverently means less time for slacking! I have been slacking my ass of the past month and now its back to basics,that is books.Well I have always loved studying so itll be a breeze for me,I sincerly pray and hope everything goes well,god for I know with your guidance I can do it,I have been through the worst but I don't care because every downfall has made me tougher,every cut has made me numb,every pain has instill more sensiblity in me.I appreciate everyone who has been part of my life,I embrace those who are yet to be part of my life,I am truly happy now.

I love you baby

2008-03-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

When she walked away from you feeling mad
[ He followed her for he knew I needed him]

When she pushed him or hit him
[ He hugged her tight ]

When she started cursing at him
[He said: i love you ]

When she was quiet
[He held her hand and asked what was wrong ]

When she ignored him
[ He acted cute so she'll notice him ]

When she pulled away
[ He pulled her back ]

When he saw her at her worst
[He told her he loved her and she still looks amazing ]

When he saw her crying
[He holds her hand and asks her what's wrong]

When she's scared
[He assures her he isnt going to leave her to face things all alone ]

When she lays her head on your shoulder
[ He tilts his head and holds her hand ]

When she teases him
[He teases her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ He reassures her that everything is okay ]

He loves her
She loves him

I love you baby!!

Realms the past....

2008-02-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

Reflections show alot about the good and bad,I really want me to be part of you,but its gotta be right,I complete myself,I have come to my senses and realised that perfect relationships only exist in hallmark movies to a large extent,sometimes I regret for rushing into certain things,I have always wanted to be my best and give my best shot at everything,but when it comes to relationships it seems tough,love is not theoritical whereby there is a hard and fuss rule,its the way you see it,was talking to a very good friend of mine,he is also a mediacorp celebrity and he was telling me about what had happened in his relationship,I felt so sorry for him,you know dearest resh,your a class of your own,always remember there's no other like you,sometimes people like them don't deserve us,cause we do everything that it takes to keep it going whereas they.. do everything to make it break so badly,I truly know how it feels and upon hearing my story he went..MOVE AWAY!,cmon,you don't want to got through what I did,if they do it once they can do it again,i thought she wouldn't but she did it again,no denies that itll hurt real bad... I was like. yeah true,but it one last chance cause I felt he deserves it,and he was like... you've a heart of king I swear an angel like you sure deserves someone equally angelic.Well well thanks dearest resh for making my day with your comforting words,and I am really happy for the new found love! U go boy,cause I know you have got what it takes!!:)

Runaway

2008-02-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

God give me strength to overcome any hurdles,
god show me compassion and help me stay strong,
I have been feeling really lost at what to do recently.
Thoughts have been patronizing my mind and my head feels heavy,
I am really worn out,things happen for a reasom they all say,but is it all true? I wonder.I have always wished that things turn out the way I want it to,I have dreamt of a luxurious life with all the happiness,why is it that whenever I am happy the next minute I have to worry about is when will it come crashing down?
Practically being perfect isnt all,being a perfectionist on the other seems destructive to many,I don't think so.I am trying to accept things the way it is.I feel so lonelu inside,I get want to break free from my emotional torture,the feeling of depression doesnt get the better of me,it leaves me shagged and worried,I miss school,I miss my friends a great deal,I miss my lover boy even more whenever I am not beside him.Baby might be going into camp cause he failed his repeated modules.I coaxed him to appeal and try another time around,I really hope his appeal is granted,I can't let go of baby so soon into camp this soon,I am very unwilling cause I really need him at this point of time,I am going to be even more upset with him in camp.

Nites :(

I wonder

2008-02-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it really hurts to be in love,especially when things don't turn out the way you want it to.Whats your stand? I think it hurts.I never rreally thought that it can hurt thi bad.Sometimes I wonder if I am on the right track,if what I am doing is really right,if he feels like I'm taking up most of his time,if he thinks that I am a pain in the ass,if he really means what he says,I hate how much I love you,I seriously do but I hate.I can never forgive anyone who has trespassed against me,but I have forgiven this particular person a gazzilion times,it hurts so bad,sometimes I don't even know where I stand in his life,he makes time for me,he does sweet things but it all backfires against me when he goes into his negligent mode,my vactions are so screwed because of all the thinking that I have been doing,it time for reflections,and I conclude you really don't care.

Valentines.

2008-02-16T02:49:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be full of pictures!! Well,post valentine pictures:)

Baby lovesss peckingg on my cheek!

A card I made for baby!!

My gift to baby:)

Us on valentines.

Babbyyy I loveee youuu!! hugs I am really glad everything is brought into light. I appreciate your honesty and thats what I lvoe about you,fancy her blatantly blaming you,seriously it takes two hands to clap,both initiator and consenting party,uhh and I could see all the guilt in that slut,sexually deprived bitch,haha too bad,you have made your choice and I am glad to be the one,honey I hope we will be stronger from this day:) Slut get a life la,seriously! haha.

Gimmeeee a breaaaak people!!

2008-02-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

I found a very interesting survey,and I did it:

Your age?
19

People know you for?
Erm,smartyy pants:),survivng through an ordeal(a fatal one that is)

Pet peeves?
The colour purple,tiaras,my room.

Favourite personal attributes?
My eyes:),my clavicle line:)

Natural hair colour?
Brown but I made a mess of it:P haha

Current mood?
entertained by some scumbags! seriously!!

Missing anyone?
My broinlaw,my best mates.

Anyone you hate?
Never used to but haha now I do.

How many exs do you have?
Okay,haha honestly 4,i dont wish to include the last one!

What race were they?
2 were malays,1 punjabi,the other was a christianindian. the last one was a malayalee christian.

Last message was from?
Him,Baby I need you,please dont break up,I love you please please.

Your response to it?
Nothing!

Last spoken to?
Mum.

It was about?
The annoying heated issue,she just told me to end everything;)thanks momma

Describe yourself?
Bubbly,next door girl,hyperactive,good person to turn into,born fashionista:),ambitious,loathes having problems.

Your agenda for today?
Tuition,gotta settle some scumbags who have been a bigggggg mayhem.

Do you have piercings?
yes,7, 3 on the right ear,2 on the left,navel,tongue.*winksss*

Why did you pierce?
Ima into body modification:)

To all those who patronize my blog and to certain homosapiens who seriously can't stop that dying addiction,gime a break,Ima seriously in no situation to entertain you guys in any way,yes my blog has no names mentioned,I can't do anything if the affected one wants to read it and get affected by it,he was at fault to a certain extent,you were at a bigger fault for buying his talk,I mean you definately knew I was in the picture and what ever it maybe,its only human to move away and respect the other party's desires,I'd have done that if I were you,cause I'd see no point in probing the matter at that point of time.We all know how it feels like... come on were are humans after all,the only proper response would be to avoid situations that trigger such response,like duh! You'd never get it.So Ima moving on with my life,I seriously want to say don't waste your time reading my blog if you want to pick on me ,its tempting with juicy issues I know,its a fact that I am a hot topic among your click,but I know where I stand and please oh sweethearts... GIMME A BREAK!!. hhahaa.

Because of Me.

2008-02-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

Baby I just don't get it.

Gawddd! Things have been pretty much mundane and stressful for me,certain truth I just came to know about;its a very annoying past of the one I love with all my heart,so today I went to meet up with a intention of breaking up,which would certainly be better for me,we had a convo,that of a very pentup one,I threw questions at him,for all the intricate lies that he weaved,god,I couldnt hold it, so I questioned about his past,yes,that slut,haha wait I just realised she is a desperate one who needs sexual pleasures to keep her going,man! disgusting,I mean what type of a girl will makeout with your ex bf knowing that he is seeing another girl and after seeing the love bites given by that girl? wretch,whore.seriously get a life,you can post how many bulletins and blog entries,a whore is a whore, it was your past so if you deny your one now,just remember you were one! even if he initiated it you could have stopped him,well the truth of the matter is you were the one who leaned on him and intiated it ,CHEAPO!!,god Im just so disgusted and you could tell me on the phone 'nothing happened that night' oh honey,I told you I can get info in a snap,and I am glad your out of the picture,damn you and your life,my bf is way better without you,the fact is you can never match to my standards even with a blink of an eye so just give up weaving tales about me.Mutual consent between a slut and a women of moral values will never go hand in hand so forget it,I don't wish to dirty myself by being associated with you,I appreciate the relationship but not the aftermath of it. Seriously,your desperate and you badly need some polishing up,I am glad that he didnt deny and told me what happened that night,cause I guessed that it would have happen, and the best part was when my baby said" she was pastime",your desperate nature has gotten the better of you already,so improve yourself. And the words you said baby,were really touching,about not wanting to let me go,thanks baby.

I just have one thing to say that is YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER INTERFERE IN MY LIFE ,SO JUST TRY TO KEEP YOU NOSE OFF,WHICH i KNOW YOU REALLY CANT,PROVE THAT YOUR A WOMEN OF YOUR WORDS.DAMN YOU.

Emotional rollercoaster?Tornado?

2008-02-10T04:37:00.000-08:00

Then it became a vicious cycle,that of emotions and apologies,(if you readin this its to you) get it right that I am not here to pin point anyone,but my blog is a personal emotional ground,your respected if you patronize it,I am indeed amazed at the way things have been,sitting back and pondering,I cry to myself,do i deserve this? Well,hell no,sometimes I wish I could live with my eyes closed,I wish I never met cruel people with unruly intentions,I wish I was smiling,I wish I never went through an ED,I wish I never did a suicide,I wish I was that chubby little kid who always makes others smile,it not an emotional rollercoaster,
i see it as a pandemic in my life,well do wishes really come true? God,do you hear my cries at night,god I'm sorry for wasting away emotionally,I am disappointed a great deal.God protect me,help me sleep,free me away from my insecurites and fears.God you never left me helpless,but now you are I know I have sinned once by trying to take away my life,I am sorry.God please take me away from the cruel stigma that has been inflicted,I just want to be in the arms of my loved ones,is that so wrong,gos my heart is barely alive,my mind is almost dead,god help me. At the end of everything I know there is something positive in for me,too many disappointments ,can't fathom,god forbid I wasn't anything like close to worst,there is a past I CAN"T ACCEPT BUT I AHVE TO LIVE WITH.

What would you do if you were me.
What would you do if you had sleepless nights and had to be on antidepressants cause of domestic situations,parents,expectations,fear of abandonment,I have come this far,and I thank God for bringing me this far, the only thing I am lokking forward to is my work,my ville where I just live my passion,NURSING.

Thanks to those who have been there for me,namely asha,suresh,prem,shasha,satish,my mommy,my brother,my sister,my soneya,cynthia,shubin,kak mai,jag,saidah,rajin,xinni,jeremy,joyce,and my godbaby who keep me going,

thanks guys.

And it happens again

2008-02-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

There are some thing I can never accept,but I am trying to live with it.It hurts when someone close to you heart keeps stabbing you on the same spot,oh damn it hurts,my threshold has vanished,I can see the path in front of me,I was ever so certain that I wasn't going to be smiling for long,cause you just slap me right across my face with your actions,let me question you,do I seem like a doll to you? Haha disagree all you want but thats the fact, so this was what one of my friends called me and told me,she is apparantly in this particular sluts account,and there was a bulletin post which went "13. have you ever jumped in the pool
with your clothes on?i din jump..i was carried n thrown..by
a beloved 4 yr-old rlshp *****..grrr

So let me do the talking,arent you over him,memories do exist no doubts,but hello you didnt keep up to your word,when you said you won't even mention about him? Man! no doubts why the best of the best see you as filth! GOD! I was disgusted annoyed.... like what my friends said sluts need more than one,well suits you,noe it my turn to play my game,hell I hate everything,emotional torture is what I am going through,Thanks for putting me through shit MR BOYFRIEND.

Today!

2008-02-07T04:46:00.000-08:00

Today,as we all know is chinese new year,happy CNY greeting to all my chinese friends,today was the sports spectra at NUS,I was playing but I went to cheer my team and watch my baby in action. It was really fun despite the heat and sweat! Baby's team didnt get in so we left shortly after he changed.Shasha left with us,I then headed to baby's house,I was feeling all queasy and definately irritated,I hate getting baked in the sun.Saw a few unwanted faces,but I didnt really bother,I did a good deed:) hahah that was to assess soemone who got injured during the game,it was knida evident that it was a fracture,cuz he had no sensation and the bones seemed unaligned,baby was a little impatient about getting home,as he was really tired and wanted to spend time,but I was tryin help that poor fella,I immediately asked them to ge icepacks and used the arm sling to wrap it around the area that is swoollen and then I got someone to call for an ambulance,hope that fella is doing well! after that we took a train to boonlay and then headed to baby's house,there was noone over at his place,so it was just the both of us,we went to shower then sleep! We only slept for an hour or so and then we headed to have something and I headed home,i had finally gotten to spend time with baby,and all my friends were really excited to see him.Me and baby were talking about crazy things,like wedding,kids and all that.Its too fast though but yea,honey I hope things will be smooth for us.

Baby this is for you

2008-02-07T04:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in love so much that it hurts so much at times. I have been there so many times. Sometimes its so hurting, but i cant seem to leave no matter what. It feels like you are being understood one minute and the next is the total opposite. I am so confused by the way it is all happening. I am not sure if I know what I am doing. I do not even know if I am able to keep strong and go on.

I keed you so much more than you can ever imagine. Its all the obstacles that I face that strains me to the very last bit. On top of that, I have to face it all by myself. I need the support and strength from you. Please do not leave me stranded all by myself in this Cruel World!!

I have learnt so much in this past couple of months and I am very happy that I have learnt all of it. But it comes to a point where it keeps triggering me and I have no idea hwo to deal with the situation.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have made the right choice or should I just leave. But it comes to a point where I realise that things will never be the same without you. And that I want you by my side no matter what happens, be it happy or sad or angry moments. I love you and thats all that matters.

Now I need the support from you and for you to stand up for this relationship. Cause I believe that if you really want something, you have to stick by it and trust it with everything that you have. And you need to do that more, cause recently you have been slipping away.

Thanks so much for everything that you have done. The love I have for you will never ever change. Muacks!!

With you

2008-02-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

Well,its still the same,guess I should just not bother,I feel terrible when I am in your arms,I feel I aint myself when I am with you,YOu said I am noisy,loud,godd,didnt you know all that before you went on a relationship with me,evrytime you try to make it up to me,I know there is going to be a bigger blow,I never compared you with anyone,YOU DID. I cant keep you happy cause I have reached my peak,I have given you love,care,concern,what have you rewarded me with? TEARS,BLLEDING VEINS. God,I swear never to take up your time,like I said you need not worry about vtines day,I would never bother you and if its your bade that your worrying about,Ive cancelled all the reservations cause I don't want you to be caught between your friends and me,I can't play your game anymore,I swear I cant,I have so much to say to you,but its futile cause your never going to undo anything,thanks for hurting me.

Today was just home and tution,I miss my friends alot!Well I cant wait for this thurs!

2008-02-02T19:46:00.000-08:00

I HATE YOU,I HATE THIS SHIT,I HATE THIS FEELING,EVERYTHING HAS TO COME TO AN END,YOU MADE THE BLUNDER AND I KNOW I WAS NEVER IN THE WRONG,YOU HAVE HURT ME COUNTLESS TIMES,COME ON,I CANT BE ANYTHING LIKE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE,CANT ACCEPT ME? GOOD BYE! I TOTALLY HAVE LOST MY COOL,MY TOLERANCE,WHATS THE POINT IN TELLING EVERYONE IM YOUR GF WHEN YOU DONT SPEND TIME WITH ME,IF I SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT YOU SAY IM POSSESSIVE? HELL YES! IM GOING ON WITH MY LIFE,DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN WHEN YOU PUSH ME AORUND,COMING TO ME WHEN YOU NEED ME,THEN TOTALLY IGNORING ME WHNE YOUR WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR PLAYING CARDS OR WHAT EVER SHIT?CMON,I HAD ENUFF,I CAN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE,THERE IS NEVER A RIGHT TIME TO SAY : GOODBYE!
AND TO THIS PARTICULAR PERSON(IF YOU READING THIS),IM REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU,CAUSE YOU HAVE PROVED THE WORLD WRONG.

Finale

2008-02-01T05:53:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have been fruitful and meaningful,I am finally living my dream.I have graduated successfully and till this date I have gotten everyhting I wanted in terms of my academic status,the last day in my ward was really special cause my patients gave me cards and wished me all the best,I am glad I made a difference and touched the hearts of many people,I am really blessed to have come this far,I really appreciate everyone who have been there for me,school was rather special,well it was the last tiem we would ever step in as diploma students,the next time we step in,it'll be graduation,I took alot of photos and passed my address book around:) Well I am going to miss all the fun,the exam stress,the crap,the little last minute cramping,lecturers who go after us or landyards,slippers,inappropriate hair colour,the trends,oh god,I hugged my close friends,I am particularly going to miss my mentor,haizz!well thats the sad part of graduating,but I am certainly glad I was part of nyp,the next task is to perform well at work,the discipline that I am posted to is really different,baby's aunt is the clinician there,so its a bit more stressful,I know that I can do it though,2 months of vacation is going to kill me,I don't know what I am going to do to kill time,decided on practising my henna art,nail art,beading and baking.Thinking of doing up my room.Valentine's Day is coming,I'm tad a little stressful,cuz I'm pondering on what to get for baby,baby's 21st is coming as well.So yea.I got to start saving up for my degree,aunty janice was telling me a shorter career path,I intend to go to Perth or Canada to practise if all goes well.

Well love you guys and all the best!!!

Face it!

2008-01-20T04:41:00.000-08:00

Been tad a little entertained by a few mongrels,haha its amazing how a petty issue was brought out into great heights and the testifying party is subjected to unneccessary scrutiny,I have learnt something along the way,that people whom are affected by you will never stop bitching about you,conform to that fact,well give it a thought or two,will you forget someone who has left a huge impact on you?Be it bad or good,in my case its bad,so just sometime back an issue that died almost died off surfaced again,this time in a more open manner,through profiles,indirectly hinting me:) Wonderful!I have to make it clear,I aint giving a shit about what you guys have to say,come on if I had not affected you so much you certainly won't be talking about me,calling me something I ain't? Haha,GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT! Technology has advanced to an extent tha even bogusness would seem so real,what with you making me the subject? Hell yea you certainly have to get some sense knocked into your hard ass skull! I doubt if you even have anything in there,cause,EMPTY VESSELS MAKE THE MOST NOISE!I am sure you have some inkling about my status,and whatever it maybe,I have not bothered you anytime from that last time,so mind it,now who is the one who is poking their head and blowing certain issues,i aint affected by it,unlike you,haha I still remember the last time!Fancy you trying to be a wannabe,cmon your never my match,the best part is even a family member got involved,now whatever he sent was crap,haha I never meant any harm to you so just mind your own biz,once again its MY BLOG AND I WILL WRITE WHATEVER I WANT!go read the blogging rights before you come and talk to me,can't come to terms with it? FACE IT!I aint want to have even your breath over my loved ones,your such a wastrel,so just buzzzzz offf you redundant creature!

Am graduating in two weeks time,can't wait to work,I am finally enjoying my efforts,well my dream is to be a medical doctor in the end,papa was willing to pay for my studies but I rather pay on my own,I just love what I am doing now,happy as before,thank god to buddhism and yes that I can afford anything I want with all my effort,just want everything to go well,been planning for the future,what to do and the things I need to settle,going to canada seems really promising,and I'd be there in 4 years time should everything go well.

OUT YOU DAMN SPOT!

and to wellwisher,thanks for your tag,it was really appreciated:)

Literal euthanasia

2008-01-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

I'm holding on a rope
Got me 10 feet off the ground
I'm hearin' what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down
But wait
You tell me that you're sorry didn't think I'd turn around and say:
That it's too late to apologize
Too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat, it's nothing new
Yeah
I loved you with a fire red now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry lord, the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize
Too late

A SCUMBAG

2008-01-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

I have to rant about a scumbag who is apprantly blantantly labelling me,well its not being anything that is affecting me but its off my boiling point,haha call me whatever you want cause I never cared,and you have no rights of such.I am ceratinly amazed at the way people pick on you for no rhyme or reason,can two people of the opposite sex be friends? haha! Well rave all you want about me,and yes someone who was the catalyst of this issue is acting like goody two shoes,I was telling mum and dad about the recent events,during a family conference and all they adviced was; you know you purpose here,and don't waste your in unwanted issues,know you close circle of friends and keep a distance from the ones who pick on you,well yes I know who I can rely my life on,and to those out there,don't judge a book by it cover,every book has its own story and so its mine,one of the clinical associates approached me the other day and he wanted to do a newsjournal on the illness that I have battled,I was really shocked at why he chose me,but yes there are very sensitive reasons which I don't wish to elaborate on.*happy happyy*Was planning for baby's 21st,and unfortunately his grandpa passed on.Grandpapa dearest rest in peace,lord take care of him.I am not that close to him though but he was someone I did aid in his ADLs.Well yea.I've got a two more weeks to graduate,time flies,at least I way BETTER THAN SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE.Haha,rant all you want,cause I don't care and to : -,- emotions are subjective just like pain,just read and leave,I don't need your crappy comments.

Pseudo love?

2008-01-07T05:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe this decision was a mistake.
You probably don't care what I have to say.
But it's been heavy on my mind for months now.
Guess I'm trying to clear some mental space.
I would love to talk to you in person.
But I understand why that can't be.
I'll leave you alone for good I promise.
If you answer this one question for me.

I just wonder,
Do you ever,
Think of me,
Anymore, do you?

First off let me say congragulations.
I can see your doing well.
If I ever made you stagnant,I'm sorry,
Swear that I'm not tryin' to start no trouble.
I'll leave you alone for good I promise,
There's a question I just gotta ask.

I just wonder,
Do you ever,
Think of me,
Anymore, do you?

I know what we have is dead and gone.
Too many times YOU made ME cry.
And I don't mean to interupt your life.
I just wonder do I cross your mind?

A dark and ominous cloud surrounds
and attempts to shut out the sun.
The joy and warmth of a heart of love
shines on. The darkness has not won.

A wavering deep within the soul
questions .. Was I wrong? Did I stray?
Why would this wound me so?
I ponder and I pray.

My God of love is always there
and He guides me through each day.
When I weaken and begin to question “why”.
He says, “my child, pray”.

For I will give you all you need
to “weather” such a storm.
Have faith in what you know is true.
My steadfast love transforms

I am totally taxed,feeling the heat,like a little puppy left to struggle,been through the toughest times many times,do you ever feel like you do everything to sustain a relationship and there isnt any response on the other side? When staying together becomes the ctalyst of self destruction and confusion,when you sit down in a dark room and think,what went wrong?Did I say or do anything on toward,may everything was wrong,being there,doing things for you,making you the prime of my life,coming down all the way to be with you,to see you.I never meant to intrude,I feel like a passive party in your life,never did you make me feel like I was the prime,to you its you and your games,not your gf.. well I forgot! Your friend said,its only going to last two months? Oh and it has been two months and more? I can possibly wait in this dark hole,it seems like your never going to change,everytime I cry over you,I feel like I am at fault,when I never knew what my fault was.I never remember making you all witdrawn and teary,ike how you made me,make me.I don't know what kind of happiness you have from making me cry my lungs out,look here,its paper lungs and plastic eyes,I have nothin else to say or no tears to shed,man oh man you know I really miss those times when we used to spend time just talking.Where has those happy moments gone to?you took away every damn thing with your absurd behaviour,I contemplate alot about us,but its crushed,and I'm busy mending that brutally shattered haert of mine.

Goodnite:(

2007..2008

2008-01-01T06:40:00.000-08:00

Well its a brand new year and everything seems in place at least till now:) There is this person,yes a new friend of mine,a doctor,you know nad i agree with that statement you made about doctors:) So this was what happened:

Monday,morning,caught up with work,no student nurses around just 4 staff nurses,2 of them whom are the more experienced ones.There came the doctor,usual chatty self and yes I don't know why he loves to stare into my eyes and tell me how nice they are:) I finally had my breaktimr,I was shocked to see a present with a note inside my bag:) and it went: Dear ***** certainly was nice knowing among hustle and bustle of getting things done,its my last day here and since its the festive season,comprising christmas,newyear and your birthday I thought of getting you something,hope I could treat out soon.take care and keep in touch!

Isnt that really sweet of a doctor? Well thanks so much for the chocolates,it was a pleasure knowing you too:)wish you all the best in everything you undertake:)

It was a very nice way to end the year,and to my surprise the first person to wish me this year was him too:) poor boy was doing night ! :)

And yes happy new year to everyone hope everything goes as I planned:)

Pent up.listless

2007-12-26T07:26:00.001-08:00

I so dried up.Sleepless and helpless.
Im not afraid to cry,what would you do if you feel so dead tired inside and you cant sleep? What would you to if you shattered deep inside and you losing the thing to break free from your web? What would you do if you have been through hell and stepping in and out of depression.Its just not working,no it isnt.I feel damn shattered inside that everytime I think of you I cry,cause everything you do is hurting me so badly,I tried umpteen times to speak to you about it,and why is it you don't care? Well I have learnt one thing , and thats the last lesson I'd value,cause I have so much to say,I'm bleeding,severely.You never have time for me,you do things to hurt me,what have I done ever that your doing this,your treating me like plastic damnnit,you are,Im so shattered,everythings left unwritten,its hurting me so badly,I slit my wrists and they bleed,the pain isnt equivalent to the emotional distress you have put me through.Its hard to deal with the pain,it is.What hurts the most was being so so so so close.I hate it,and Im saying that i'm loving,but thats what Im trying to do.

Ungrateful.

2007-12-24T06:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I'll swan.
I'd never listen if someone else said it,
Just to see if they're in my will.
Plain ungrateful after all I've been
Through for them,
All I've done for .
Lawd, I'm so tired.
Bring soon Thy Sweet Chariot
And I'll cross with You over that
Great Divide.
Heh heh, won't those chillin be surprised
I've done dismissed
Oh, yes,
Won't they be surprised.

I was unpleasantly taken aback with an incident that incurred me to lose a friend.Have you ever been stepped upon by someone whom you have helped a great deal? Well I have,its surprising cause that person was always a good friend,and now that particular person is siding someone else and calling me name and blatantly blaming me when that person has not heared my side of the story.Well i sincerely thank everyone out there for labelling me:).Heartiest thanks,im not affected by it but I am certainly surprised at how "gratefullness" can be repayed, amazzinng! and id put it to everyone,this is my blog Id write every damn thing inside here,you have no rights to come and find fault with me or blatantly blame me.And to all those who have been reading my blog and perpetually causing problems,get your facts right before you mess with the best.
Im looking forward to christmas,I just love this time of the year,the magical feeling is so amazing,I was talking to baby's mum yesterday and she was saying "barking dogs will never stop" I have to agree with that indeed! Cause there is always some swines out there who never fail to entertain themselves through my blog.No hard feelings to anyone though.I just want to thank that particular person who was a good friend and I don't wish to talk to you anymore cause I didn't expect you to react in this manner,thanks for being there for me though:) cheers.

Christmas is a season of sharing with your loved ones,and I have drawn my line,my close friends,my best friends,my family,my baby and my baby's family.
there

An overview

2007-12-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

Im so excited for christmes.its the oly time of the year whereby its seems so serene.All the buzz,lights,gifts,xmas trees,such a feast for anyones eyes,I am so tired from work and my feet hurts alot,my gastric attack is coming back,I went to the polyclinic to get some antacids and painkillers as well. i am so exhausted and my body seems like its gonna tear up any moment,i think I have been totally drained out,I am looking forward to the new year,as this year wasnt very good on the whole,especially with some bloodsucking leech in the picture who apparantly is as dumb as nothing cause I don't know how to describe how dumb that parasite.And this year was the year I went for an operation to remove some tumour and my appendix as well.Well I had a fair share of good times too but I am reall ylooking forward to year 2008 cause everyone's little princess is out into the working world,it seems like a big transition though cause I have been more of a classroom based person,be it learning or teaching and the wards provides me with a very good opportunity to participate in care of my patients.
well well nitexx!

my bdae

2007-12-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

the best day:)
todae
My birthday,my first cake of the day which was cut at 12midnite sharp:)

My 2nd birthday cake which was cut in the evening:)

im so lucky to have two birtday cakes! the whole day was filled with presents and wishes from my loved ones not to mention tons of food! whoolala I had such a good time and yes this was th day i truely felt happy after such a long time.Thanks to everyone who made my birthday a special one,i really love you guys,be it wishing me thru smses,cards,gifts,calls I truely appreciate it,Baby's parents were really sweet o wish me as well. I was really elated.I love my baby so muchh
and this post will be filled with pictures!!

me and my baby

And there he goes again.

2007-12-16T04:57:00.000-08:00

You just don't have anyhting to say when things keep happening.If its once,twice,perhaps the person can be forgiven,but if it keeps happening? I can't hold in any longer cause everyhting your doing is leaving me in shreds,I hate the way you neglect me,I really do,and when I said,takecare of yourself you just said i know how to takecare of myself girl,man that pulled my morale down,why is it that I am the one who is trying to sort our difference and your attitude out and when you don't bother,it hurts me so much.I can cry anymore,I have nothing to say anymore,whenever thing are close to perfection you blow it,time and again,you crash my happiness and wreck my sanity,I dun deserve the way you treat me.And your saying that you lvoe me.. but your action don;t show it,I cry in my sleep every night thinking about us,whats going to be of us,hell no! I swear I don't deserve to be ignored,thank to my friends:)

The way people meet:)

2007-12-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

Its amazing the way people meet and pursue their relationships after that,well I met a really interesting character during my course of work,he is none other than a doctor:) A very intelligent cocky lad with an extravagant energy.He was obviously tryign to strike conversations and yes it all went well and yes he got my nunber.haha I was tellign baby about this and I was like baby isnt this wierd? And my baby was like,nope my honey it isnt.Wel, yes the doctor is a very good friend and to my darlingss out there,ITS NOT anything like GREY"S ANATOMY! haha thanks for all the crappy tekaning moments!!
Went to hang out with my sis,brother,prem,david,jessie and their mom.WE had so much of fun! Cycling,chilling,eating,I ahd such a wonderful time and I smiled so much,well that smile is something which means alot to my broinlaw,prem. He means alot to me,we cry,smile,share all our burdens together,its amazing to have met my bro in law!

Well....

2007-12-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

Everything seems well,it scares me.Cause Id never know whats going to happen the next niffy,Well it hurts to see myself being in something which I am constantly feeling uncomfortable about,I really dunno what to say or do,if only things are in my hands,because I am so intensely hurt and I cant seem to break free from my pain.Its sadness that overwhelms me.Everyone says its easy but its not,cause being in a relationship is more than love itself,I am getting hurt perpetually but yes I dun't know how to put it to you,I have so much to say but I go mute at the sight of you cause baby I dun want to hurt you,every night I cry and pray to god,to make things fine,every morning I wake up with the fear of losing you and getting hurt,baby its so painful inside me,I am bleeding.. do you care? No you dont.You say it all,you do care I guess but you just don't show it,baby its hard,extremly hard,I am drowning in my sorrows.Was talking to my bestiee today and he is no other than my sis bf,even he said there is just something funny in me.My depessiver stupor was whar he was referring to. Well yes..even he felt I was better off single..I don't know,but what ever it is I love my baby the same:)

BOO

2007-12-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

I need you boo, (Ooh)
I gotta see you boo (Hey)
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]

Hey! Little Honey,
Ooh, you a stunna
Hot..lil figure,
Yes, you a winner
And im so glad to be yours,
You're a class all your own
And..
Ooh, little cutie
When..you talk to me
I swear..the whole world stops
You're..my sweetheart
And im so glad that you are mine
You are one of a kind and..

You mean to me
What i mean to you and..
Together baby,
There is nothing we won't do
Cos if i gotchu,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Boy, you're my all.
And..

Oh!
I'm into you,
And boy,
No..one else would do,
Cuz with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I..know I can't be the only one,
I bet his heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of his life who feel..
Wat i feel when i'm

With you
Boy..
With you

Cuz if i got chu,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Boy you're my all.
And..

Oh!
I'm into you,
And boy,
No..one else would do,
Cuz with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I..know I can't be the only one,
I bet his heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of they life who feel..
Wat i feel when i'm

With you
Ohh..
With you
Yeah Heh..

And I..
Will never try to deny,
Cuz you are my whole light,
Cuz if you ever let me do,
I would die..
So I won't find,
I don't need another man,
I just need your all and nothing,
Cos' if I got that,
And I'll be straight
Baby, you're the best part of my ??

I need you boo,
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight
Woo Ooohh.. Yeah~
They need it boo,
They gotta see their boo,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight,
Hearts all over the world tonight

Oh!
I'm into you,
And boy,
No..one else would do,
Cuz with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I..know I can't be the only one,
I bet his heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of they life who feel..
Wat i feel when i'm

With you
Boy..
With you
Ohh..

:)

2007-12-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

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PROFILEPOUNDER.COM

Death,That lad,Swine!

2007-12-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

Death is a part of Life. No one escapes its clutches, and no one long escape the harsh reality of dealing with the loss of someone dear.I witnessed the casket that held the breathless body of my dear patient being brought out of th room

tears poured down my cheeks like rain out of heaven

it was so cold this morning and I could feel the salty droplets dry hard on my
face

I wondered for so long about the life of my patient
I pondered this question so many times

why shall the innocent die, while the murderers run free?

how come she never got to fulfill the "perfect"
plan that we are all promised?

i know i will take long to understand the loss
it has taken me a little thinking to realize that her
plan was played out

it is all summed up in this one word that often brings shutters to the
bones of so many

"lessons"

her death was a lesson to all that she left behind life is fragile
there is no way that we can control who lives and dies
all we can do is have faith that we will get through it

good and bad are obvious and sometimes not so obvious

right and wrong choices can determine life or death

so it's time for us to wake up
mourn no more
for time will heal our broken hearts

and one day
there will be no more tears to cry

Her smile of gratefulness,the way she calls me still runs through my mind,now yes she is safely endbraced in the arms of god.Lord,my almighty please protect her,and may here soul rest in peace.

Preceding that mishap,the workflow in the wards went as usual,its so fulfilling to be a nurse,well yes there is this particular lad in my ward,a medical personnal who is really nice and it seems like he is tagging me,well he was saying about how good looking and cute and hardworking I was:) I was so shy and to those who have been working with me,you guys would know who I am exactly referring to! Well yes i have got this thing in me.When will swines ever learn there lesson?Or are they so rudimentarily qualified,so much so that they just cant comprehend and conclude certain things? YOu think Ima giving a damn about my "spoilt reputation outside? haha its probably "spoilt" like what you say among swines and a parasite.I know where exactly I stand,and I don't need to prove you anything,no obligations to do so either. Hahahhahaha! This is such an unwanted entertainment in my busy life,cause I know I have hit the right people..oops parasite and swines with the right words,call me what you want say what you want,I'd just give you a smile,cause I don't waste my time on any insignificent personnals in this blessed life of mine.

*nitesss* Baby I miss you!!!

Emosational sunday,workday

2007-12-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

For some apparent reason,I think this video reflects my current mood,yes what hurts the most is being so close,having so much to say.Went to work as usual,but there was just something not right,yes my patient,the one who I nursed for 3 weeks is at death's door step,I kept checking on her time and again,I just felt so queasy and kept my fingers crossed,She was gasping for breathe despite the constant supply of oxygen via the nasal cannula,I was disheartened when her family members signed the DNR form.Man I broke down so badly in ward,I was so distressed and upset but yes I was relieved at a certain point cause she would be salvaged from her ordeal,its hard to deal with the pain of cancer,it really is,I just hope I can see her once tommorrow,and god please take care of her when she is in your hands.
God bless.

Well yes thats for the emo side of me,and some swines are still too free scrutinizing my blog! Goodness! Ask me why I call you that? I don't have an obligation to answer you,I have got better things in life!! haha.

The entertainment

2007-12-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am really amazed at how a blog of a plain jane like mine can stir up a series of arguments,I would like to make myself clear and relay to everyone who comes across my blog,that my blog has my deepest emotions and thoughts and yes I’d be straight forward in it.For some reason there are many swines who are very free to scrutinize my blog and make my blog as a source of entertainment in their mundane lives,man I pity you guys.I don’t give a thing about anyone being affected through my blog,oh yes you said I have the guts to write about you but I don’t want to own up,cmon I don’t have any obligations to own up,yes it was referring to you,well isn’t that the truth?Ur a parasite,a lethal one that can suck a person tolerance out,wonder how some others bought your 'oh so pity story', cmon you can message my boyfriend and tell him;ur gf is making my life darn difficult,I gt ntg to do wit ya nimre wot else does that small fly wanss??!Wan me certified dead 4 her ta f a happily evaafta ar? Hd da hell is she ta label me a slut,bitch,n a flirt? She wat periya utami ar? U dun cum telling me nt tag t ya involve..me bein ur past dun mean any harm ta both u n ur gf. Wot she wants?! ***** I had enuff enuff enuff b4 puttin an uttami n a faithful act ask her to stop msging *****Be it a 4wards msg or telling him hw much she misses d memories or him.. a guy like u hu is serious with her doesn’t deserve a unfaithful gal..u deserve a much beta gal and 4 goodness sake it nid nt b me..ani1 else…Pass me all ma photos I tk with ya to ***** tnx… okay now it a time for serious analysis…. U calling me unfaithful? Haha kiss my ass you parasite in the form of a human,go c ur own back before you point me out,you have no proof that I am unfaithful.man oh man!! Hahaha!!! I have nothing to do with ***i*.haha I don’t want to end up with a horrible life and probably ending up counting my prognosis of a destructive disease,both of you can keep in touch with each other for all I care cause me n him are no more,talk to my finger cause you aint worth a palm. We had a agreement never ever to communicate.What more do you want.Any person in the right mind or an intelligent person would certainly imply that ur trying to get back…from the part where you said.. .. a guy like u hu is serious with her doesn’t deserve a unfaithful gal..u deserve a much beta gal and 4 goodness sake it nid nt b me..ani1 else…
You saying those words and then protecting your ass by sake it need not be..ani1 else? Haha you put it as goodness sake,yes it is for a good sake that I am in his life.the way you spoke was so disgusting and deafening and man I was disappointed cause that is certainly not the way a person in a healthcare profession would talk or handle things. I spoke to you in a polite manner but ,you went 10 octaves higher.You’ve got issues with me? come and say it right on my face, and deal it directly with me and not pull in others, your friend read my blog? Ask that swine to come talk to me. Cmon I am way better off than you all and I know it, it’s the truth, you can never be in line with me,so don’t you ever try,I have got a purpose in this life that I have been blessed with,I don’t wish to waste my precious time which could be spent doing fruitful things on parasites and swines like you guys out there,like I said hit me once and I’d hit you twice as hard,cause lady..what goes around will come way back around and when it comes its gonna hit you real hard,I know you know what you have done, hinting on preserving the purity of one,so dun come tell me I aint good enough cause honey you’re a scrap yourself and mind you parasite stop getting my boyfriends friends involved and causing a pendulum effect of through misunderstandings, calling up his bestiee and saying I am crying to ur current bf? Whahaha please! I have got nothing to do with that doke,what I had with him was history and I don’t wish to talk about it cause yes,he was my biggest mistake and my worst nightmare. .hahahah gdnite,Thanks momma,shasha,asha,shubin,my sexy broinlaw and sis for coaxing me to not bother and yes slut? Oh sorry utami lacking impurity and swines associated with that thing for using my blog as a solace to ur ‘oh so mundane life’.Your messing with the best. I appreciate everything you said,at least you have vent you fustrations out.Ima dropping this issue cause I have my principles to abide by of which not to squander my time on this kinda pointless issues.

My life as a staff nurse

2007-12-02T00:22:00.000-08:00

My schedule has been totally tough the past few weeks.Now I know what its really in the life of a staff nurse.Touching lives is miraculous,its an mazing feeling when ur patients recover and tell you"thank you" these words are enough to shine a bright light in my dim light.The path that I am walking through is still bleak cause there is so much more I have to achieve.I have seen many people and worked with them in the past few weeks,some of whom who are totallty fighting for life and pleading to life cause they have a child to feed,its so disheartening to see a mother cry.Yes there was this mother in my ward who has cancer,it has apparantly spread to her whole body and its a matter of a few months,there was this particular day when her 5 year ole,beady eyed som came and hugged her,and he asked mom when will you come home? and the truth of the matter is mom is never going to come home.Isnt it so sad? Well the mom said ask that pretty nurse over there(pointing to me) I smiled and told him ;very soon honey,and I patted him on his head.Deep inside me I felt deeply disheartned that I had to tell the boy a lie.Haiz well that life aint it? My profeesion is something really enjoy doing,especially when your negelected by your love ones.At least you know where exactly you stand and when your appreciated.Well this is reality.And there is this one person I'd love to thank,he is someone whom only my bestiees would know,dearie I see you looking up at me,but I have no clue of how your doing,I just close my eyes tight and pray hard that everyone at home and pf course you,my first true love is doing good.Take care dearie your always in my prayers.There are few people whom I love to thank from the bottom of my heart and yes this entry will be a bit like a montage:)

The first oneMy babyboy

alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5139290191160684258" />Mom and grandma

Sis,broinlaw,bro

My bestiess,ghay n asha

Questions Existing.

2007-11-18T22:43:00.001-08:00

Alot has happened in the past weeks,somehow for some reason I have been feeling a little better.Thoughts of some annoying slut is racing through my head.Some truth is made crystal clear.I have to sincerely thank my friends,family and lecturers and my amazing psychiatrist,Dr Chong Herng Niang.There ia one important thing that I have learnt,that is life is fragile,it took me a few weeks to come to realsie that cause nothing was sinking into my head since the admission,and yes Dr chong ur words have made me a stronger girl,sometimes I just thank god that I have so many people who care for me and love me.Cause many times the one I love,loved cut me deep,some questions still do exist,you know something I am never going to do such a thing in the name of love,cause my loss is gonna be your gain,I still don;t know why I cant come to terms with whatever that happened between that useless ite slut and you,I really cant,but baby the truth of the matter is your beloved(ME),is a popular girl,with beauty and arrogance and she certainly doesnt deserve to be treated the way you treat her,I know I can get anyone I want.. but baby Im not like that slutty ex gf of yours,i really am not,I really wan to break away from all the pain ,the torment cause everytime I think of us I cry silenty,I cry inside of me,whether you see it or not is besides the point cause it seems like your oblivious to my feelings,baby why why do you have to cut me so deep,Im so numb from all the pain that I had to drown myself in pills,a suicide uncompleted,you know how fcked up I feel whenever I think of what I did? Baby the damage is done,and although I know I must be leaving I cant some to terms with leaving you like that cause baby you gave up a significent slut of 4 years,maybe itll all take time,but till then I am, I will be that emo kid you wish you never knew.

*god bless*

Its very different

2007-11-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not the type to get my heart broken,
im not the type to get upset and cry
cause i'll never leave my heart open
never hurts me to say goodbye
relationships dont get deep to me
never got that whole enough thing
and someone can say they love me truly
but at the time it didn't mean a thing
my mind is gone im spinning round and deep
inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening ?
i stray from love this is how i feel

this time was different felt like I was just a victim and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life now i'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry

did it happen when we first kissed cause it's hurting me to let it go
maybe cause we spend so much time and I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
maybe why im sad to see us apart
I didnt give it to you on purpose gotta figure out how you stole my heart

my mind is gone i'm spinning round and deep inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening I stray from love this is how I feel

how did I get here with you i'll never know
and never meant to let it get so personal
and after all I tried to do to stay away from loving you
i'm broken hearted i can let you know
and i wont let it show, you wont see me cry

you'll never see me cry, all my life

A moment of reflection

2007-11-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that I wish I could change at this point of time.Certain things I wish I never did,certain people I wish I never met,certain relationships which could have been corrected,certain relationships which should have been maintain or never started off,cause through this critical period I have learnt the value of life,my life,how precious I am.It took one unsuccessful suicidal attempt to change my life,for the better thats for sure,time and again everyone who have been calling me up and seeing how I am doing have been telling me that Im precious.I have learnt that problems always exist,its just a matter of hoe you handle them,I have learnt suicide is never ever the way out,I have learnt to live for myself and never in the scrutiny of others,I have learnt that only I cam keep myself happy and I decide everyhting that can happen or will happen,cause I have learnt it the hard way,yes the lethal way,what I attempted was drastic ,yes,but it has impacted me so much that itll be one thing I will never be able to forgo in time to come,to all those girls who are crying for help,please go get a counsellor,go get help before you go into a crisis,and when crisis strikes its never going to be pleasant one. And I sincerely thank my hospital staff,my lecturers,my dynamic friends and yes my wonderful family and the love of my live for being by my worst moments,I truely appreciated every bit of effort that you people have put in,I have seen how much of a valuable preson I am .I am sorry for the disappointment,yes dad I know you never wanted things to be thins way.Itll never be like this anymore,I have attained priceless knowledge that can never be learnt through books,that is the art of love and the importance of believing in your ability and maximising your potential.
thanks to my psychiatrist who has seen me all the way through.I owe you.I really do,this entry is quite an emotional one for me cause I really want to put it to everyone out there your life is precious.

Cry.Baby.Cry

2007-11-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being here,so pressed be all my childish fears,sometimes your presence won't leave me alone,my wounds don't seem to heal,the pain is too much to take,there's just too much time cannot erase.Boy I held you close to me,boy I have always said your my one and only,why is that your have to hurt me time and again? The things you say sometimes hurt me,but I don't want to point it out,cause baby I have already done too much,I am giving up on telling you.My sanity is being engulfed each minute.Boy do you feel the pain in me?Do you even care? Once, twice,never mind,I have tried so hard to forget everyhtign,but you keep saying things that rekindle everything that has happened.You have been the one closes to my heart all these few months,I should have known certain things fron the start,you know its so true that,in a moment anything and everything can change,there are many conflicting issues,I don't want to hurt you,thats why I am shutting up,you care so much about hurting me,but its of no use,cause you have hurt me alot,first there was this slut,then your behaviour,damn those memories,boy you aint nothing like the guy I thought I knew,I know I have my flaws too,pardon me if I have hurt you,everyhting is my damnnit fault,for forgiving and forgetting,for being so close to death for you,I have been rewarded by getting hurt again.I want to be there for you, through your joy and sadness,through you tough times and smooth times,I don't know if things are ever going to be the same between us again,baby I don't to fight,the battleground of insecurities is getting the hell out of me.Tormenting me,boy why do you have to do such things to me.And to those who have been missing that bubbly,crazy girl in me,I am sorry,that girl will be back real soon.To my parents,sorry for the depressive maniac crisis times,to my friends and lecturers,you guys mould and bring out the best in me.

The suicide.

2007-11-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt there's nothing you can do to salvage yourself from the pain your in? Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands you? Have you ever felt so restless and tired to the extent of exhausting your existence? Well I did.A rash decision which almost took my life away,it was the stupidest thing I had ever done,all I remember was screaming in pain and then popping a cocktail of pills to drown in my pain.I felt like a loser , misused,cheated and everything that'll possibly drive a person like me paralysed with sadness.I can't explain why I was depressed,but Im sorry to everyone whom are close to my heart,it was a decision which could have driven me to grave.What was I thinking? I hate myself for doing it,i was apparantly depressed with everything,home,school,my relationship,my past relationships,everything,it came in one go,and the decision I made was life threatening.My friends,family,lecturers were really supportive of my recovery and beng wah,kumari,bella,barbara,you people have made a difference in my life.I'd never ever forget you guys.Im still recovering though.Thaks to my baby who has been there for me. Baby Im sorry for putting you through all this shit,your not to be blamed.I love you my boy,i love you loads.you have been the best thign that has ever happened to me.And i can never find anyone better i this lifetime,boy I love you loads,I love you more than anything in this world.Boy please dun't hurt me,cause Im badly broken inside.

Leave ME alone

2007-10-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

Stairing into the mirror, Focus blurred, Coming undone
Faces stairing back at me, Screaming, Streaming
Rain falling, Trails in front of me, Totally insain
Bottle of pills, Self medicating, Face changing
Feeling of solitude, Becoming numb, Drainage
Misusing, Still abusing, Pacing, Thoughts racing
Hearing voices in my head, Telling me what to do
Feeling insain, Can't sleep
I need help, Mentally ill, Sickened
Empty inside, Bleeding, My head exploding
Fucked up, Looking through sad eyes
Always hopeless, Just wanting to belong
Casting away, Fear subsiding, Disappearing
The way I choose to be gets darker everyday
Scared of myself, Waiting to be free
Life is impossible, Thoughts of suicide...Won't understand
Can't erase them, Dissapointment
I am falling and crawling, Won't be okay
Insecure thoughts, Feeling ugly, The hole I dug for myself
I believe my own lies, Hateful, Deception
Hidden from the world, Crushing, Snorting, Burning
Pouring out my insides, No trust left, Forsaken me
I am the problem, I am the problems
Blood on the walls, Death calls
Self cutting, Slicing deeper, Bleeding, Bleeding
Horrible life of abuse, Fighting, Screaming, Beating
I am twisted, Crashing and burning, No strength
Changing every second, Can't take control
Cutting deeper, Waiting for you to save me
All fucked up, Sick of life, My pain will never end
Comiserating, As I waste away, Killing my insides
Too many excuses
Now I'm coming undone
Feeling worthless, Getting more hopeless, and restless
The lies, My sickness, Weakened, Self hatred
Running away from my past, Erasing memories
Distain, Wasting my time, In my mind it lyes
Never perfect, Disarray, I don't care!
Never to be loved
My pain kills, This is how it feels
Depression, Nobody cares, Blown away
Sick of this, Your oblivious, Never caring
Seeing death, Foresaking, My only cure, This I am sure
Mentally sick, Trying to stay awake
I hate myself, Dilirious
I am not like you, I will never be like you
Taken for granted, Unspoken, and broken
Becoming unbearable, Wanting to die
Nightmares taking over my thoughts
Never to be free.....Only I can see...Whats to become of me

A reflection of me

2007-10-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

sister's special day

2007-10-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

I did it for them!!

When its close to perfection

2007-10-31T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it hard to fake your smile when your hurt so badly inside,what did I do to deserve this.Haven't you put me through enough torment? Sleepless nights slit wrists.It maybe a figment of my own perception but isnt what I perceive reality?everytime we are this close to perfection you do something to inflict pain,Boy did I ever let you down? Boy did I ask you much? Boy there's this significent character who is being unreactive but is undeniably the catalyst of my insecurity. Boy what is it in me that you want? Boy do really love me? Maybe I am not good enough as a girlfriend,maybe I can never love you as much as your ex's..Im sorry if I haven;t kept you happy.Boy sometimes your words hurt me,but your unaware,boy I have always wanted to speak to you about these things but I couldnt bring myself to cause I don't want to hurt you.Boy I am at my wits end at what to do,boy I did so much for today and all you could say you were "malas to come". Did I prepare all of those special things to hear those word from you? Is it so hard for you to make time for me? Well Im sorry if I have been consuming too much of your time,of which you can spend with your friends.Boy there are slits in my wrists,its a reflection of my pain,after all the pain you have put me through you tell me your lazy come,I made my way all the way down many times even thoguh I was shagged,I came all the way.But its ok,its me,I do things for my loved ones and I never get appreciated.Pain is never new to me.My depression is engulfing me.I just have no valet to vent my depressive mood,Why boy ? Why are you doing these thngs to me? I know u'd never read my blog,well you probably never cared that I have a blog.

Boy I have no words to say.My veins are bleeding,my eyes are swelled from all the crying,I just don't know hoe insensitive you can get,boy I really don't know how to put this across to you.

Im sorry for the pain Im putting you through,you probably think Im a pain in the ass.

Hold me.

2007-10-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hold me close and don’t let go;
I'm so scared to be alone.
I've been by myself for too long,
And always had to be strong.
Now I only want to rest;
And lay my head on your chest.
Hold me close and don’t let go;
These wars I fight no one knows.
Now whisper how you love me,
Say it tender and softly.
I am weary and soon will sleep,
But with you no longer will I weep.
So hold me close and don't let go,
For I never want to be alone.
The day you were born, the whole world was blessed
These thoughts in my mind to you I must confess

The time has come for me to express my true feelings
You are the center of my thoughts and the essence of my being
What you have brought me I never thought I could procure
The gift of comfort, with you I am secure
For you have lifted me up from a life filled with sorrow
And made me realize there is always a better tomorrow
It amazes me how someone can make me feel this way
I love you more and more with each passing day
You brighten my days and lift my spirits
I have felt this for so long and now want you to hear it
So you may know the place you hold in my heart
You are always with me even when we're apart
I truly believe what we have is meant to be
Just open your heart and soon you shall see
What I am willing to do to keep a smile on your face
Just know that I'm here and will be always

Put the blame on me not entirely

2007-10-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

You just feel it coming but you don't know when itll happen.
Well that's my current mood.
Ended up in changi general hospital's AnE on thursday.Met bro in law and sis after work which was around 6pm.Was very upset with every shit that I was going through.I had enough of everyhting and the best advise everyone gave me was to give up on him.I don't know why I want to give him another chance,but yes the lost trust will remain that way.I am not saying I don't trust you anymore but yes the trust I had on you has gone down by alot,the things you hid from me are now crystal clear,thanks to that girl but then our conversation became a little awkward towards the end,I was totally cheesed out when you said that he will choose you over me if your in the picture again,cmon girl I was nice enough to tell you that its ok for you to talk to him once again and you telling me that if your in the picture he will choose you over me? Thick skin bitch! Damn you, damn everything,so much so for me even opening my mouth about allowing you to talk to him.Ive realised many things,one of which is that there is hardly anyone you can trust,yes I mean for you to know him for such a long time and tell me everyhting that happened between the both of you, even the confidential matters shows how much of a human you are,well im not saying what you told me was wrong but sometimes you just don't realise how much of pain you have inflicted on me,it takes two hand to clap,your not to be blamed solely,for him,I don't know how he is taking this but this is my last straw thats for sure,one more shit and off I will go with a nice goodbye,cause baby I have nothing to lose,One thing my very good friend said was ttrue,that is about him bringing only tears to my eyes,thats so true,well he has brought smile to my face but there have been more tears then smiles eventually,I can be sucg a pain at times especially when things like this happen ,do you know that I was so upset that the doctor in AnE diagnosed me with stress related disorders,And told me that if I am not goign to be careful I am probably going to die of stresse related symptoms,like a vessel in my brain bursting which is called aneurysm.I don't want that kinda thing to happen to me,cause I ahve so much to achieve,Thanks for bringing me down and thanks to my friends who kept my spirits high.Thanks.And shasha!! thanks for doing my ecg and jabbing me! Ikept laughing when I saw the video! And my bro in law thanks for holing on tight to me when I was nearing unconsciousness,barrison darling for coming to see me in AnE,Asha darling for checking on me throughout,Joel,my doctor and colleague who cracked some jokes to see that smile of mine which he loves,the radiographer who started cracking even more jokes,my sis who stood there with me,through my blood tests,jab and for clearing up my vomit.thanks babysister.I love you lots.And naresh for telling my sis to screw up you know who! See I am surrounded by wonderful people and nothing can replace my gratitute and love to them.

Do you feel me?

2007-10-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

you know depression is ready to set in
when you wake up hating the life you have created within
look into the sun filled sky
let the warmth deeply apply
to fill your heart and your soul

get rid of the deppression that has a hold
don't let it sink far enough in
for if you do you will not win
don't let it touch your precious life
or your family, friends and loved one
don't let it drag you way down low
get the sun's warmth to let it go

fight the fight
and you will win
you will beat
the depression sneaking in.

but did you know???

did you know that I secretly cry and tear myself to shreds every night?

did you know that behind my seemingly warm happy eyes lies a broken innocent, ravaged by many sinful hands?

did you know that I loathe you for disposing and abandoning me in this forsaken hell?

did you know that for every smile I forcefully press against my face a slit is placed upon my delicate skin?

did you know that everyday you kill apart of who I am, that every time you scream at my wrenching, contorting face I grow number?

do you know that for every word you say it pierces my heart and I grow closer to my death?

do you realize that even as I lay in the plain plush pillows on my final bed with an expressionless face, I still hold nothing but contempt for you?

do you finally understand the cursed life you burdened on my fragile shoulders?

I don't think you do, you will never understand...will you?
well i guess time will tell. as we all grow older. we cant escape.

im battling this battle within. the sleepless nights & dreadful dreams are haunting me. i tell no one, i dont wish to. the mysterious sounds of the night are very frightening me. i dont dare sleep. panic and rage runs through my body like the devil's tryna get in. day after day, I fight off the urges, that would be so satisfying.

queasy feeling in my stomach knowing where the late nights would lead. now, no longer did I care about the physical pain. when it's nothing compared to the shit that starts up in the brain. things began to change as I automatically fell silent and pushed people away. tt never mattered when no one wants to hear of this kind of pain. all of this shit made it hard to trust anyone. even brainwashed myself to thinking I would never love nor be loved. with no direction to turn, since everybody goes through their own problems. tired of comparing my life with others, is all that supposed to take away my troubles and dissolve them?

now all im left with is this person. who keeps me going. who makes me realise & gives me reasons to live. who keeps telling me to look at the bright side of life. one who shares, teaches & advises. still selfish at times, but i love every part of him. the way he makes me laugh & the way he makes me cry. he doesnt know. he doesnt need to. i love him when hes angry, i love him when he's sad. when hes having a bad even when hes mighty glad.

ever since the day I let you meet me, i missed you when you left. i miss you now more than ever. i cannot wait to see you again. i long for you when we're apart. this relationship we're in, as we agreed, its like none other. who explores their minds with one another? i wish i could look you in your eyes and somehow take away all your fears. of those fears you keep telling me. fears of being betrayed. i believe together we could do anything. if we wanted to. i want to, do you?

your smile always brightens my day, while your words just blow me away. you give me the confidence to go on...making no more sadness. loving me...throwing away all of the badness. late at night when I look up at the moon, the only thing I seem to think about is you. even tho you're driving right beside me. or sitting right by my side staring up in the sky. embracing the world above. you've no idea whats going thru my head, cause i nvr told you. all that came out of my mouth was "wow", or "look at the moon". cause when ur staring at it, ill be staring at you.

there's one thing that i will never forget, and that's the day we finally met. when i gaze into your eyes, i know youre the one that will never tell me any lies. may sound so cliche. i dont care. you may not believe me. i dont care too. cause i know one day you will. you definitely will. I hate those nights when i'm trapped in my room when all I can do is think about you, but then I feel free when I know your thinking of me too. unlike now, ur fast asleep and im sill thinking about you. ur stuck in my head from day till night, in my dreams in my mind pictures of us hugging tight.

fuck all this bullshit cause nobody will ever really know or understand how i feel. but this is close enough. you dont know what i mean so dont let your minds run too far.

I hate this.

2007-10-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

Now its taking a toll.
This is.
I am to be blamed.
Maybe this was just meant to happen.
Maybe this was based on wrong consensus.
What did I do to deserve this?
I didnt do you anything.
I really didnt.
If my moves seemed bothersome,baby Im sorry.
But I don't know why..I can never accept that whore.
Sorry if I call her that.But yea,you'd ever know how bothersome I am feeling.
Boy you got me caught up,boy you probably never bothered about how I feel.
Boy how is it that you can do it all so well? Boy why is it that you lied to me about meeting her that day? BOy oh boy. If I am a hinderance,I will politely move away,cause I dont want to come between both friends.Boy I will never put you in a situation whereby if you will have to chose between me or her.
Its so hard to say but I gotta do what's best for me.I hope you understand my position.I don't want to leave it all behind,once,twice? Okay..its too much to take.Its amazing the way you play your cards so well.Please oh please .What am I supposed to do?I never wanted things to be this way.Baby if she is so imporatnat... please tell me.. cause I will move away.I really will.I feel like plastic.I feel like you have toyed with me.I feel crazy.I came all the way .Ah shit.I just don't want to think about it anymore.

getmeouttathis.

Well oh well

2007-10-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

All has been well so far.I have been spending time with baby.I miss him so much! Well papa got me mangosteen juice.It is said to have excellent healing properties and papa wants me to take it.It costed a bomb though.. 200 for 4 bottles.Its been 2 days since drinking it..I feel a little better though the discomfort is still there.My GERD is so irritating.I keep having the reflux..maybe its cause I am stressed.My pr.6 kids are having their last paper on monday.And till its over the teacher will be very stressed.Did so much this week.Spent lots of time with baby and his friends.I just love love love my baby so so so much.I miss his hugs.Hiaz! Next monday is my attatchment.I am looking forward to it.Atleast I will be busy.My schedule is going to be super tight.Baby Im gonna apoligise earlier!
Tommorrow is aaradhana.Bet I am going to see many unwanted faces.Many many that is.Well name the game bitches I'd be rolling in with you.And keep your hand of MY BABY.CAUSE HE IS MY PROPERTY!

2007-09-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Sometimes I wish I never felt this way to certain things.
Sometimes,I wish I wasn't given the liberty.I'm cooped up,I'm troubled. Just get so insecure at times.I can't put it to you that certain things you say irritate or even hurt me.I am cut deep inside.I have been cheated.I am numb from all the cuts that have been inflicted upon me.I am feeling shattered deep inside.I am afraid.I have the phobia of losing the ones I love.I have the premonition that something bombastic is going to come.Well you said you can't so anything much about your ex who is now your very close friend.Maybe I was wrong.This was wrong.I still love you and I don't want to lose you.Like I said,I don't mind anything but all I can wish for is that your not doing this behind my back.I really hope so,cause baby there was this guy who shot me dead.Bang Bang.. I went dead.I went through hell to get back on track,cause memories of him tortured me so badly.And now that I have come this far I don't want anything to go wrong between the both of us,cause baby I love you so much that I can never imagine anyone else in your place.I really can't.
Well thanks to my darlings who have been making my day!
Thanks hubby prem!! haaha he is such a kasanova!!
I am happy for sister and him, really hope things go well between the both of them.They are the best pair to my eyes.Well gorgeous gorgeous couple they'd be.Sometimes I just feel happy that my sister has someone who loves her so much,the little things he does for her,the sweet little somethings,he is a really nice chap.Well I call him hubby.:)Picture time!!!

screwed

2007-09-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Truth hurts.I should have known from the start that when you came around you were gonna make me cry.How was I so stupid to not avoid everything.I hate it that she is in the picture.I mean hello? Your ex gf visits you.. well heck.. visits your parents? Shouldn't she know how to maintain her distance now that you have broken up.I dunno how to put it to words about how screwed up I am feeling.I have been through too much that I was afraid of loving again.Maybe this is all my fault for giving myself another chance.For thinking that you were worth a thought.I should have drawn the line from the start,I really should have.I can't hold it any longer.I hate this shit.I want to move away but it will be hell for me.Why can't you understand.How would you feel if I did the same thing to you.YOu didnt even recognize from my voice that I was crying on the phone when you were telling me certain things.I appreciate that you open up to me.I really do but the part where that whore said certain things..it hurts me it really does.Even my best guy friend knew I was crying.I am feeling very insecure.Im just crying and crying.I don't know why things have to turn out this way,cause for me if I let go,there is no turning back.There really isn't.I have too much of issues to worry about and I must say that I have been in tears since that night.I can't accept certain things.I really can't.If your hotcakes among the girls..its really ok with me..but please maintain your distance,its really hard for me to accept certain things after what my cousin told me.Its hard to come to terms but I believe people can change.I saw the change but it seems stagnant now,its like your going back to your old ways,what did I ever do to deserve all this? I never asked you anything,I never did anything at all to hurt you,I never.Thanks thanks,I deserve this and more.

Well no doubts I still love and care for you the same.

2007-09-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

I detest everything.Well most things.I hate it that you compare me with others,I know I aint your perfect kinda daughter.I know.You control every fuckin thing I do,I buy.NO for this.. no for that. MY hard earned money? Is yours? Whose the one slogging? I am not trying to be self centered here,but I hate the fact that you control me.There is NO LOVE.NOTHING AT ALL. You keep pointing out the fact that you have spent a lot on my medical bills. I know.Im sorry.I give back every shit that I owe you.I will,there is seriously no love,no care.Your nice to me only when I do chores for you.It just isn’t fair.Its not a misconception or misinterpretation.I am just sick of everything.I really am.I have lost a couple of things through this path I came through.I have cried too much that I have no more tears to shed.Though I may not appear that way..inside me lies deeply hurt soul.I know what I want to do.Rebel? Imbescile? Say what you want. Useless? Well say all you want.cause this is me.I am not going to change myself just because of stereotypes.You say she is much more caring than me cause she takes cares of brother and everyone around her... ok..I cant be her thats the truth.I am my own soldier,did you even look behind your back? you aint any perfect MR ANNOYING.YOue nothing close to that.My friends are loafers? Look at yours! I am WAY BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERYWAY SO THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME TO WORRY ABOUT.As long as my friends know who I am its more than enough.

Everyone's staring.
go away.
I hate everything.

Well if there is some people I must thank it would be asha,shahira,kaijing,they are true friends.

2007-09-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing I do can ever be enough.Nothin.
Your expectations are really high.
Everything I do seem like child's play to you.
Did you ever bother to sit down and hear me out? No.
You caome back,scream your lungs out,show me the occasional love,give me sarcastic remarks.Well,I am oblivious to everything.I am not perfect,neither am I imperfect,I am some where in between.SOmetime I just feel so helpless,then there was you.
Well certain things are better left untouched.

YOu message me saying your totally lost,and feeling really listless and that your thoughts are all about me.Well can't you see that I have moved on and I don't want to look back,cause baby what you did was so hurtful that i fell so hard and I couldnt get up.I will always be your friend no doubts on that.

The holidays have been good,tuition,occasional slacking,meeting up with prem.Well yea he is darn upset about certain issues and yea I felt so bad for him,well I am always there for my dearest...I have been having so much fun.. cause fella meets my sis and me practically everyday after tuition and man we have tons of fun time,its a good thing he stays nearby!! haha.. well well... more slacking session prem!

Cant wait to get my allowance! I wanna get baby a cap.
Skinny black jeans for myself,topshop shades,black vest,more accessories!!!
well well!

thats it for now.

The best damn thing

2007-09-10T08:28:00.003-07:00

Well I have been pretty caught up these days.Missing too many people:( School,cyn,kakmai...the list can go on... been meeting vicky kinda often.Im gonna miss him truckloads when he goes to camp:( He has been the for me.Well darling cousin.. Im gonna mis you like crazy..well then there was this boy.. now he has stolen my heart:) Well.. :)

2007-09-10T08:28:00.002-07:00

2007-09-10T08:28:00.001-07:00

2007-09-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

:(

2007-09-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today was terrible.My cramps got the hell outta me,am down with fever.So shagged.My life has been revolving around,tution,pilates class,granduncle's funeral and helping cuz choreograph the dance and getting the team going .Well yea been tad a little caught up.Was supposed to meet kaijing darlin today but couldnt make it cause of the demise of granduncle.Well I miss him alot.God please take care of him.
Joyce dearie called,kakmai called too,well I miss everyone.The hardest part about graduating is when you have to do away with everyone.I miss school,lectures,Screwing up tutorials,jogging with jag,cynthia's smile,saidah's hugs,rajin's cute lil face.Everything and everyone.I miss asha too.Not to mention many others too.I can't wait to go for attatchment.Seriously.Cause I miss working in the wards.Haizz..Teaching is kinda fun,I love my class! They are so fun loving,spontaneous and sensational.My kids make my day.They seriously have this thing in them that just makes me feel out of this world.
Yes yes Mr.. i got full marks for your test.Haha.. well oh well. thats how much I know you. I hope your doing good.

Why did you tear me into pieces?
I don't hate you,I don't love u.
I just don't know what to do with the thoughts of you.
Cause its killing me.
You keep coming back,when I wanna move on.
I am staring into blank space now,baby you shot me.

Go away.
Leave Me ALone
Everything's unwritten.

YOu break tradition,ur tries are outside the lines,its so hard to comprehend you.Period.This is my life.I am totally confused!

2007-08-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

The holidays have been fine so far.Its the third day of the week and tons have been going on.Well life can be complexed,if yours isn't.. mine is.Too many emotions,thoughts and feelings.I had nothing much to do on tuesday and i broke down really badly.Cause last year during this time.. you were with me..my heart is in the same condition as you left it,torn,broken into pieces,its so hard to move on but yes I am trying,taking babystpes.It seems like your such as intoxication that I am having a relapse everytime I look at our pictures and the messages you sent.You were my intended,why is it so hard? You never gave me an explaination for that doings,the hurt,the torture,everything,well I'd live by it.

Saturday was cousins engagment ! I finally met my cousinsm after such a long time.We had a wonderful camwhoring session.It was amazingg!! Jitz,shahmen,varman..whoohoo hotness..shashi you were the hottest!naren was damn cute la.. tikus was also there,he was part of the crew.. not forgetting shaun.. mr navy officer..charan,desy..all of em.. awesome! I had a good time with everyone.
I meet uncle thiru,who is dad's best friend and he was talking to me for quite sometime and wishing me luck for my posting and advancement in my career.I was really motivated to give my best shot at everything I want to do.I have so much i want to achieve,Thanks to my lecturers,family who helped me battle my ordeal.Thank a ton cause I'd have fell back so badly without your help:)

well I miss everyone! *cries*

2007-08-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of everything;Schoolwork,books,lectures,Exams!
The paper was somehow do-able.I woke up at 3 am to mug,thanks to sayang who woke me up.Thanks sayang=) Well yea I was kinda enthusiastic to study but I was only able to pull through till 4.30am.I slept again! God! I then woke up at 6 am and got ready.Well thats was my life this morning.I got a very very very sweet message frm my baobei this morning at 6.30! She was saying how much she is gonna miss me and stuff.. and I started crying cause she is really close to me.And she isn't the only one I am going to miss.Im gonna miss loads of people.Saidah,Rajin,JAGDEEP! Cynthia,Kak MAi,asha,soneya,baobei,fatimah,rabiah,angie,MISS CHIA!,DOROTHY!Geetha,Zhimin,Thapa,Farhana,nugget,Jingjing...aiii the list would never end..I have a problem detaching cause these people were like my essentials.I'd need a dose of their presence somehow.Now that I am on 6 weeks of vacation its going to be hard to see them everyday.But attatchments would somehow help..cause I'd be with a few of my cliques=)Well well.

Asha messaged me last night wishing me luck for my paper.Such a cute lil girl.And we were planning our crappy stuffs already.Hahah asha!! Doctor ah! :P U said it!Well my six weeks is gonna be packed with gym,tuition classes.I am going to make time for soka meetings.Somehow.I have to.Cause my existence and sanity is through prayers.I am feeling a little pent up,fustrated recently.I don't know why.Its hard to determine the catalyst cause many things have been going on.And somehow kaijing and i have this thing.. whenever I think of her she would call me! or message me! I miss her truckk loads too. Well back to what I was saying.Its the past that is haunting me so badly.I was pouring out my feelings through messaging asha yesterday morning.Cause there is this person whom I am atrracted to.I really am.He is not the whooaaa kind.. but he is just a very nice person,someone with a good character.But something really put me off when cousin said that he was attached but isnt serious.I was like what?! Amazing!Well I am in no situation to judge him cause I don't know him that well.Cousin was saying that if we both get together he cant fool around cause he will get it if he were to screw up anything.Well causin fren who is MR ATTRACTIVE's friend was also saying the same.Casue they both know the shit I have been through,slapped hard 2 times,brutally betrayed when I didn't do anything at all to hurt the other party.All I wanted was for things to go smoothly, and when I attempted to ,they made it seem as if I'm the one at fault and to be blamed.I have played this game two times and fell so badly that even until now everyhting that happen is crystal clear.I am broken so badly inside,cause I sucks when the one you love ignores you totally and comes back to you only when he feels like it.Treats you like doll.Well that was the relationship I had.

This time last year was the most amazing time of of life,Cause that was when I met babyboo.I still remeber all the things we did together,the laughs, the tears,the pranks,your stupid yellow watch,french fries! mouth to mouth feeding:P you trying to read tamil!!!catching around the blocks! your smell:) your stupid sweaty face and the way you'd hug me,my blonde hair which your mum found very nice.Its all memories.I hope your doing good babyboo.cause you'd always be my baby though we arent together.

2007-08-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

2007-08-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

I swear the lecturer's are out there to kill us!
My oh my!
Fuckin hard! Management was like unmanageable.I was mugging the day away.I met yoga for a little while to pass him my notes.Poor fella looked pretty tired from studying.Was helping mugilan with his med surg and mugging at the same time.I was having fever and sorethroat which made it even hard to stick to the chair.I kept walking restlessly around the house with my notes.I completed management by 8pm and then started on community health.Well I really want to ace this paper but it seems somewhat impossible.Killer boy! I swear by it.

Am missing alot of people.My darlings,my mum,my sexy bummer,everyone infact.Gotta call em all up;)

Saturday was cousin Rekha's wedding.It went smoothly except for some coflict here and there.Ramesh looked really good,and i'd say its a match made in heaven cause honestly both model material! :) Whoohooo! Well the dance florr was the hottest.I was dancing away with so many nattans:) Hehe! Well well they were all awesome dancers! Sunday was spent at grandma's place.My darling turned 63! Happy Birthday mumma!! I love yoo.She cooked dam briyani! Which is finger and toe lickingg good I swear.She is the best cook! Sis and I bought a cake for her,we had a mini party,then started fooling around as usual.I went high on nougats and dancing to Impacto by daddy yankee.Wooo i swear he is hot!

Yesterday I was somewhat taken aback by this particular person's behaviour towards me.I really was pleasantly shock.Amazing you having a gf and ot being serious.Well player? And for YOU MR! to introduce him to me.Haven't you known how much I have been through and the emotional turmoil that I got insanely twisted in? Man oh man.I hate hate hate hate players .I am pulling myself away from every shit that even my existence is bring questioned.Cause there is this someone whom I am attracted to.I feel its a one way thing but then again I dun want to think about it.Cause everytime I do everything comes back,the fear,the tears,the betrayal,my screams,my insecurity.I don't wanna got through it again.I never felt anything like this before.I am depressed.fustrated.There are so many thoughts going through my head.Everything is coming back cause of what you said the other day.Sometimes I wish I never met anyone like you.But then again I should just shut my thoughts away cause at the end of the day I don't want you to feel that my insanity is your fault.You disappointed me umpteen times and I gave in.. now there is this someone whom seems like a replica.. but only a better version in some ways.Why is it so hard?

Exams

2007-08-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

The papers I have sat for have been hardcore shit.
Rheumatoid arthritis and parkinson's essay question came as a cardiac arrest to me!
Man oh man
Yeah!
HOlyy hardcore shit.
Im praying so hard.Cause the papers were unexpectedly hard.I didnt expect it to be this tough cause the past year questions with like candies!

Well yea 2 more papers to go.And then its Holidays!!!!I am so excited for my holidays cause I have many plans and people to catch up with.

I am already planning on my new look.That is the bob cut,like rihanna.Its effing gorgeous I'd say.Something which is going to look absolutely different on me.Trying to convince my mum! She is so against it cause I ahve natural locks.Well mum!! I wanna try this new cut and I aint changing my mind =)

I have loads of catching up to do with my darlings after exams.I miss my mummy,soneya,asha,esh,prem,gagen,joyce,mai,jag,xinni,rajin,my sexy bummer... tons more!
Well Tommorrow is cousin's wedding and my look: DOLLFACE:) i'ma gonna do locks or micro curls and go thick and pretty on my makeup.Hehe I am so excited!
Sunday is grandma's 65th birthday,followed by dad's on the 31st.Too many things!
Gotta find a job,6 weeks is really no joke! Haha

much love!

The farewell.

2007-08-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

So shut up shut up,I don't wanna hear it.
I hate you as much as I hate durians!
Now everyone says its my fault.
I don't want to brood over you.No doubts I still will love you the same.YOu will remain as a dream ,a history forever,I can't understand how you can let everything go.I really can't.Well all I want oyu is to be the best that you can be.Baby you cheated and made me bleed.Where is the love? I am not saying its right or wrong,you can flirt all you want.GO ahead.Im not over you.. but I will be soon.
YEsaterday was the last day of lessons.I was happy but upset,I am not going to be with kak mai, cynthia anymore.The moments will all be remebered,the silly ones,emotional ones,well i am going to miss all my nursing kaki's! I love em aall.Esp jag,saidah,xinni rajin who never fail to cheer me up,sophian and hairi's jokes.Jags hugs,syafiq's winks,cynthia smackingg my butt! Joyce's smile,kak mai's jokes,advices.Kak rabiah,hazzy,angeline.MISS CHIA!! MS LEE!! I just cried the whole night away.Well sometimes I wish I was in year 1 again! Well there comes a time when everyone has to move on..
Went to meet ghaya n rubzy ydae.The had an arguement and I was tryin to sort things out between the both of them.Well the arguement got really heated and everyone in LJS were staring.I hecked it all cause singaporeans.. haha.. can never mind their own business. And being with someone who participated in peagant before.. tell me about it.The moment I came back and went on msn.. twm random people were telling me they saw me ydae.I freaked out big time! God..this shows eyes are all over and you can never escape people's scrutiny.Went to the gym with esh dearie today.The malay guys were damn hott! Right esh? WHohooo .. we had fun oogling and working out! Haha.. and we went for a snack and thne headed home.Had my shower and settled down to mug.Was really tired.Been keeping awake by having coffee! Oh yea!! Im so happy for ivy! she is 5 weeks pregnant.Well I have two close friends who a pregnant now! Its so nice! the other person is joyce,well I am the baby's godmother! I can wait to see my pearline darling! Bet she is gonna be the apple of everyone's eye.Joyca was raving about how much she wants her baby to have my eyes! Haha so cute! Well exam stress really sucks.And the war is till going on inside me.

Can't wait for my exams to be over.TONS of catching up to do.
These are the things I'n plaaning for:
1.lose weight! (fattttt)
2.shopping!!!
3.a day at sentosa with bestiees
4.plan anthony's wedding!! Whoohoo can't wait to see amy!
5.Bridal course
6.Driving
7.lose more weight!

haha

Iamscreaminginsidebutnoonehearsme.

me.myself.I

2007-08-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center
Cause BIG girls dont cry.

Well I am just immersed in soltitude.
I am not myself as of lately.
Many shit has been happening.
You and me are history.
Why is that the ones you loved the most always tend to leave you or hurt you?
Why is that that you always shout and make it seem like we are a whole lot of burden to you?YOu asked for this,what did we do to face such a crisis.Do you fell like a man when you push her around? Why o you two always heve to fight and turn home into a battleground.You both never refuted for anything I asked for.Never did.I always have gotten everything I wanted .All I am asking for is for you both to be normal.Like before.Why is it that it seems impossible? Please this is the last thing I am asking. Happiness.

Sometimes the world is just so unfair.Stigmatization solely on assumptions,brutal betrayal,gossips,filthy bastards.Damn.Id never forget it all.I am so hurt deep down that moving on is impossible but I know itll be all fine soon.Does it kill to even acknowledge my presence.This time last year. We were already together.Man I miss those times.But u'd always be my boo. Exams are next week,been tad a little caught up with muggin.Gonna meet ivy later to get my shake and then head home,do pilates and settle down to mugging.I have loads to cover.COnsolidation lessons are damn fucked up.They don't even give you a clue! haha.well I am going to absorb as much as possible! Whoohoo... mati sial.

Raj messaged me and was saying how come I forgot him! Haha.. well dearie I havent had anytime for anyone.Id hit you back when I am free:) Well its me,books and more books!

Am excited for my bridal shoot next week:)

IDUNWANNALETYOUGO-IAMBROKEN-

And itll be like this.

2007-08-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

Now my tagboard is turning into a mini war ground.I think its really polite if people could keep their unruly comments to themselves.Its not right to stigmatize the healthcare industry cause everyone palys a part in the progress of this industry.Why is it that people tend to assume that we nurses have no problems of our own? And as for the ED.. its my problem.. after all.. its me who is going to live through it...and my ED is a cause of many other factors which you people out there have no idea about.I have my own problems and issues to hancle.Only my closest friends would know the kinda shit I am going through.As for october and november,thanks for your concern but my humble request is just this.. that is if you guys have issues with murses.. go report.. cause we nurses have a code of ethics to abide by.. and when we aren't in our uniforms we are just like any ordinary human.Well yea..

The past few days was just great.I had alot of fun. Shopped for cousins wedding! Bought a blue tiara.Im so in love with it! haha
its awesomely nice.Been muggin real hard.Just want to give my best shot as this is my finals.I hope I get the grades I want. And oohh yea... waa supposed to go to esplanade today,but I had to mug! Well I am excited for the wedding and I really hope YOURSTRUELY doesnt come,well I know that I will face shit if i see him again.Thats it.Baby you shot me!

I missing you like a child misses their blanket,Its time to be a big girl now.Forgive me my weakness,the path that Im walking.. is taken by babysteps..

CAUSE FAIRYTALES DUN ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ENDING

I MISS YOU BABY.

:)

2007-08-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

This entry is about october,some tagger who stereotyped indian nurses.Well I have to make it crystal clear that we nurses have a life our own too.I mean we are only human,practice wad you preach is an old saying, but then again issues like depression, eating disorders can strike about anyone at all,Cmon.What with you bothering about the fact that I aneroxia is taking a toll on me.I knoew it is,and I am taking the neccessary precautions.Obviously I aint dumb to let my career go down the drain cause of an ED? Please.Gimme a break! Why don;t you just work as a nurse for a day? Bet you wouldn't be able handle it.Its through us that the healthcare system today has morphed this much.So don't say I'. like any other indian nurses.FOr your information nursing was more of a passion other than a profession to me.And I love my job as a nurse.

Haha! Heck october!

Well yesterday was really wierd for some reason.Started a bit of mugging.Had a big problem to handle.I just don't understand guys these days.Whats with that asswipe asking about details on how I knew ghay? kaepokia.And MR ANONYMOUS. if you wanna block me.. by all means. I don't lose anything at all.Please la.You don't fit my bill.I am high maintainence alright? GO after your dancer gf of 3 years! and leave me alone:)Well for some reasone there is this slut.Well two bitchy sluts I'd say.And a bapok .Haha. whom are fabricating shit about me.Its amazing how someone who was so close to you once can bitch behind your back.As for him..hello I was his best,smartest,richest gf.Infact I am too much for him.So bitch stop bitching around about me.Like I said your dumb,and its thru me that your schooling now.YOur frenster photo comments can be sacarstic but why arent you taking my pics away? Haha .. cause you just want people to know I was your friend.You were all over my cousin when he started talkin to you.You contemplated about ,marraige and all that shit with him.. so who is the slut? You were so pissed when all your guy friends wanted to get to know me.. Who is the jealous one? Think about it gal.Cause you know.. what goes around would come way back around.I have been through too much to even forgive you.You can be his close friend.. but I was his girlfriend,his everyday once upon a time,his babygal,his sayang,his love. YOu werent.SO yea.Husband? DO you think he would even look at your face? Hello he went for me.. and his taste is way high.I couldnt stop laughing when I was seeing your profile.Cousin jegs was the best.. critising every pic Wahaha.. kecho!!! MY sis was way better.. she almost puked!.hahahaha
slut.I should have known it when you came aorund that you were goin to be bitchin around.Well this is the world!

The weeekend!

2007-08-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

The weekend was good!!
Haha.
Met my darlings on friday at Boon Lay.Well I was damn pissed with the fact that cousin was irritating me with "yourstruely" I was sickened with another fact that there was a high chance of me bumping into him.Arhh.Was slackin biggg time! Haha.. I am myself after such a long time.I was really happy to hang out with my dearies who just hear me out and are there for me.I was upset cause cousin made my mummy upset and mummy poured out everything.It was the side of her I never knew,I mean everyone has a sad side.Well mummy I am here for you no matter what!:)

Went for a family dinner at expo.It was hellofa fum time! My uncles are such crackpots! SO funn.I kept laughingg and laughingg! My aunt was a little clumpsy, she kept spilling the drink on me! Hahaa The way it happened was really wierd and funny.
Well That was saturday.Cousin vik gave me shaock of my life. He was drunk and was raving about his ex gf's.I was in my semi sleepy state and I couldn't decipher what he was saying,all I knew was that he was high on BArons and was puking and puking.Poor fella.Havent spoken to him since then.Gotta call him.Sunday was shopping!!! I bought this lacy blue spag dress.And Im deciding on the hairstyle and makeup for the outfit.Id really look good in it if I was way skinner,I swear!

We ate alot yesterday.Mum was scrutinizing my plate to see if I really ate.WTH!
Well yea.Home can be hell at times.But I dun care cause its only for now and I know that once I'm grown itll all be way different.

I hate it that you don't care.I hate it that you called and you screamed and you said I didn't love you.I hate it.Why is it that guys have their way out? Why is it that girls are the ones who always have to compromise? Isnt it unfair? Was this the way the world was created? I hate it.I hate the fact I even fell in love with you.I really hate it.I hate you but I love you as much as that.Would it kill for you to apoligise? WOuld it kill for you to message? How can you even do all that to me when I showered you with love and care? How? I just cant get it into my head.

Baby YOU shot ME down.

Last nite=)

2007-07-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ok last nite was nice=)
Went for dinner with my siblings.
Ate at a cafe near my house.
It was sooo damn nice la!
As usaul I was camwhoring,shortly after Dad joined us.
He stepped out for a little while,god knows why,probably to discuss something with a client who called.

My siblings wee enjoying the meal...We ordered sandwiches,doughnuts!!,Soups,Yummmmy!
I was picking on food.god knows why,and then the guilty feeling came again.*Die la*
After dinner we headed home.We walked!! hehe well well.. my family members are so jaga badan type.Dad was particularly concern with his pot belly.Sis was concern abt her height,brother.. nothin...yet.. mom.. hmmpph.. HER HAIR!! ME?? EVERYTHINGGG!

AN is killing me slowly.It is.Thoughts of refuting food,not eating is dominating my sanity.I hate it.I hate the way things turned out.BECAUSE OF YOU I DUNNO HOW TO EVER LET ANYONE IN! I AM STRANDED . I REALLY AM. Iis time YOU start YOuR game again HUH? Fuck! Start and stop bugging me.Your fucking hell smart in the game of LUST.I know it.I HATEEEEEEEE YOU ! I REALLY DO!DAMMNIT!

Stuck up in a world of my own,runaway love.Runaway now.I hate everything,it hell inside me.My scars will never heal.I just wish I could shoot you down and ud never be able to get on your feet again.But I only wish! There is the other side of me which doesnt wanna hurt you.That's the soft side of me.I am still emotionally unstable.I really am.I hate hate hate you.

I hate LOVE,MEN,YOU,EVERYTHING!

Ignorance is bliss?

2007-07-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

What if I?
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?
Or would they still apply?
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Can't be get'n mad!
What You Mad?
Can't Handle that!
Can't be get'n mad!
What you mad?
Can't handle that!

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?

Its like Im hating every bit of you.You killed me.Remember what goes around comes aornd.Whats with your ex gf or wait> I dun noe her gender! Bitchin about me among her family and friends? Look here she cant be me so fuckin hell ask her to buzz off,you were like the perfect initially and we were close to getting back and now.. I am certainly happy its over.YOu know sometimes its not your fault,its mine for giving myself an opportunity to fall in love again.I am numb.Two scrwed up relationships,being treated like plastic.Holy shitt.Its too much to take.I state my stand. There is hardly anyone you can trust nowadays.I have been through it.I mean what sort of a friend is a person if they only come to you when they need help?And the rest of the time just ignore you? Well the name of the game?.. Ignorance is bliss.I hate it when I am treated that way.I really hate it.I am withdrawing away .I really am.My diet is taking a toll.It feel like I am putting poison into my mouth.I can't afford a relapse cause my body is a state whereby what ever I do can make it or break it.I wish I wasn;t the way I am now.Mum would kill me.I dun noe what's happening.I really dun.The weekend was fun.It really was. My siblings make my day.I was telling dad about how much I wanted that very gorgeous white and golden gown.Papa wanted to get it for me.. but he was hesitant cause it was very expensive,mum on the other hand was on his side too! :( disappointment! Cause I looked like a million dollar in it.It was really nice:) Hiazz! I am going for pilates and yoga now:) Yeayness!Next would be belly dancing and bhangraerobics!!I feel so much better now that I'm working out and stuff.Ohh yea!! I bought a bikini!!:) whoohoo.. I wanna workout too fit into it! Its a very gorgeous blue bikini.I love it! haha id be putting up a pic of myself in it soon:P

Rebekah was telling me how much she misses hangin out with me and yea my bummerboy too.Well everyone is busy with sch.And my exam dates are out!

16Aug,17Aug,21Aug,23Aug

Im so screwed cause I havent started any shit ass thing.Man oh man where is that studying side of me gone too? Well oh well its time I revamp every shit out.From school to home to my friends to my EVERYTHINGG

I have to start studying.
This is my typical day,wake up,pilates,shower,bfast,school,home,yoga,dinner,slack,sleep

Slack has to change to STUDYING!!
Two weeks and then itll be holiz.Im teaching during the holiz.Yeay! At lest Id have something to do.I am so happy I got this bridal makeup modelling to do:) yeay! I am signing on again:) After I become more toned.Well I was once like stick thin and yea...Argghh aint wanna think about it

Well thats it for now.

I miss my grandmummmmyyy,mummyyy,my darlinggg seanieeee:)

Todaeeee!!!

2007-07-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

Todaee!!
Whoohoo
Was great!
I was clad formally.
As usual I got the stares:(
Haha like as if I am an alien or somethin!
My friends were commenting on how professional I looked!!
Well my presentation went well.Ms Cynthia gave us an A!
God I swear the presentation was a last minute thing.We were ecstatic the moment we knew we got an A.Well it is a collaborative effort indeed and finally our hard efforts paid off!Hats off guys! Ultimate Happiness!
Well I went on a shopping spree yesterday,it was hell.Too many things to carry! Met my mummy dearest and then ivy. It was really nice talking to them about how I feel.Its really nice to know they care.Not forgetting my kaijing dearest,she is one TRUE friend.I really miss her lots.I miss Beckie,Weing,Sulin,Denise.They were there for me in times of crisis.Man I totally miss them all.Alvin (THE CELEBRITY)NOT THAT FUCK! came to our school.He is uber gorgeous! I mean hot.Really nice.Ahhh..Hehe. Well spoke to my joyce dearest for a little while.Her baby(MY GODBABY)! is arriving soon.I am so excited.I am going to follow her for the next ultrasound scan.I really am looking forward to see Pearline!! Hehe.Hmmph.kinda happy today.I really am.Well... I am off to meet my ghaya dearie and rubzy darlin!!

Peace out!!

Your Irreplaceable though your faraway.
=)

And its all because of you!

2007-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so pent up lately.Well yeah,fustrated for many reasons,I dun wana think about it,neither I wanna talk about it.I just cant stand friends who make use of you when they need you the most and then just pretend your transparent.Now I am a true friewnd and I have been there for my loved ones and sometimes its just sad when you get treated this way.NO hard feelings to anyone out there.I hate this feeling of neglection.It sucks totally.It really does. I have realised that there are very few people whom you can trust and tell everything and anything at all to.SOmetimes even the ones close to you can backstab you.How amazing huh? Brutal Betrayal is the name of the game. Heck.SOmetimes I just wanna run away from all these emotions,people whom tyou trust so much can betray you,people who you love so much neglect you.People whom your willing to die for blame you and make use of you.Well you name it.I have faced it.SOmetimes it feels like I am alone ranger,left to sketch my path and go down this lonely path where I walk ALONE.ITS ME . I just can't put it thorough that I am pissed when you make arrangements and then dun fuckin hell give me a msg or call to reconfirm it.YOu know what I am immune to it already,I really am.I hate this feeling of doing everyhting for that someone and then being ignored.Heck it.Well it is affecting me,but I know I can life with it.

MEt cousin Vik on tuesday,Well he is the only one that makes me go crazy with laughter.IT was so funny being with him,we went to get a new hp and then shopped around for dresses.After that I left to head home to complete my projects.Ghaya dearie called me and we were hogging on the phone as usual.WEll she is like MY REPLICA.haha.After that I had to go and help dad with his presentations .I did all the way to 1 am.*yawns* tired out man!! I met my mummy dearest yesaterday! It waas so fun with her.And everyone in school were telling me how good I looked.:) Well I am normal la!!Mummy and I went from JE to boon lay to bugis to tampines!! HahahaFunn! I miss her loads!! Came back home to have dinner *guilty shitass feeling came back again.* Hell! Well I think I am going to die of an eating disorder soon enuff.It seems like I am helpless and unable to to anyhting about that feeling.I know its wrong but yea.That fucking hell thoughts keep coming back.I hate it !

Got my pay today.Well ITS NEVER ENUFF!

These are the things I need to get:

HERBALIFE SHAKE
EYELINER
MAKEUP POWDER
THAT CELLULITE CREAM
TOPSHOP SHADES
ZARA TOP
ACCESSORIES
CLOTHES!!!!!

Pay my screwed up hp bill.

I hate you.I still miss you.

ps.i aint over it

2007-07-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

If I told you once, I told you twice,
You can see it in my eyes.
I'm all cried out,
With nothing to say.
You're everything I wanted to be.

If you could only see,
Your heart belongs to me.
I love you so much, I'm yearning for your touch.
Come and set me free,
Forever yours I'll be,
Baby won't you come and take this pain away.

I need you,
And you need me.
This is so plain to see,
And I will never let you go and,
I will always love you so.

Why don't you pick the phone,
And dial up my number,
And call me a baby,
I'm waiting on you.

P.s Im still NOT over you

Why did you have to do that? I just cant accept it. I hate you so much.Don't blame me if you get beaten up by my frens.They hate you and baby watch your back.
I think I am scumbing into AN.I really am.The thoughts are coming back.I am living a life full of confusions.My diet regime is haunting me.I am afraid of getting fat.I am scumbbing into the mess I got into years back. GOODBYE FOOD! HELLO ANEROXIA. I hate myself for doing this to my body though.I loved it when I was skinny.Isnt it better to stop the nervous cancer of getting fat by not eating.Everytime something goes into my mouth I am afraid,afraid of my weight.I am a hefty 58,I used to be a 43. Where did all that weight comes from?I hate my doctor for putting the weight back.I really hate it.I just wanna lose weight.I am so so so so so afraid. I really am.I am damn scared I'd become to big to fit into my clothes.I can't feel my bones enough.People may think I am crazy.But this is the truth.I am wasting away and dying slowing.This feeling inside me is killing.I can never be perfect enough,skinny enough to satisfy myself.I can never be smart enough to get the grades I always want.DAmn! And whats with YOUR friends tryina hook up with me? See the kinda life I am living? Guys thinking I am easy to get just because I went on with a player? Fuck! I hate everything.I have decided TO LIVE MY LIFE MY WAY . THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE. THATS IT! I can't hold on any longer.I am honest. I still miss you.

Us:)

2007-07-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

I dont belong to you.

2007-07-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know whats with you viewing my profile.Shows that you havent gotten over me? Wow.Rave about it all you want.And whats with your friends viewing it too? Your probably bitching around my back? Thankfully I moved away cause I know your still with HER.Come on her pics in your account reveal it all so don't u go around claiming I am the one at fault.Well I dunno how I fell for that cadaverous looking face of yours.I am so disgusted! I really am.Where do you stand and where do I stand? I may criticise you but let me tell you one thing.. you will always remain in me cause of every shit that happened .YOur too much of a trauma to forget,you haunt me even in my dreams,your a nightmare! I just can't possibly drop thoughts of you.I really cant.Not about the happy moments with you but my toughest moments with you.What did I do to deserve this ? Thoughts are probably going through your mind when you saw pics of my and my best guy friend. Go on and think what you want.GO ahead.Cause I caught you red handedly viewing his profile too.My my.. what a tyrant you are.Even after all this your so persistent? I can't believe it.YOu just want me for satisfying your lust rite? GO FIND A PROSTITUTE CAUSE YOUR ONE YOURSELF! YOu ex gf may have given you everything,and thats why you'd prbably rate her higher than me. Fuck off please! Please please. YOu didnt even give me chance to explain myself did you? You assumed, you cheated you left.That doesnt hurt me much,but the fact that you assumed and screamed at me cuts me deep.I hate you . I really do.Its never gonna be the same when I am gonna see you again.I don't ever wanna see that anorexic looking face of yours.I really don't. Count my unlucky stars if I ever bump into you.I detest this shithole that you put me in.Like I always said the hardest part of saying goodbye is when you never wanted to leave. You said everyhting that swept me off my feet.ONE YEAR YOU TRIED.. and now its gone.. glad its over.I really am.Cause you did stuffs behind my back and tried to covered it up. I hate you.

Sleepless nights cause of you.Your haunting me.My worst nightmare.

Assessments,the undefined thing

2007-07-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

Today was lab assessment.I was super nervous.Jag,Hidir,Ferdy were disturbing me as usual and asking about my ex! Haha.I was telling them and they were rather disgusted with his attitude.Well when it was my turned I went in and I got CVP monitoring.Something which I HATED! God! Well my assessor was Bella.I was not in the condition of sitting for an exan cause of every shit that has been happening.And Bella's expectations are high,well maybe not for the rest but me.I don't know.Even she was shocked by my incompetency to her standard.And she asked me;my dear gal whatr happened to you today?your never like this.Well I was nervous+irritated+unwell.I managed to pass the assessment with a fair score of 25/30.
Now that is never my usual score.I always get around 28.I was cheesed out.I really was.I stormed out of the room,thinking to myself,what the hell am I doing?Why am I compromising my talent and ability because of everthing that has happened? Infact I should be using it as a catalyst to excel.I really should.My parents have very high expectations of me.My whole family does.Cause I was a high achiever.Even at death's bed I did very well in my exams.But now? Gosh what the hell is happening ,Is this the way its going to continue? If it is I know I am never going to get ANYWHERE or attain my goals.I have compromised my intellectual ability cause of you? Hello! you were never that high.Its time to erase those memories and put it all behind.Its time I build my foundation,I can't go on like that.But thanks to the lucky bastards who have had me as their girlfriend.The last one should be very fortunate infact! And thanks to MY SMELLYBELLY AND DADDYDEAREST WHO MADE ME FEEL EXTRAORDINARY! ILOVEUBOTH! AND TO MY DARLINGS! THANKS A TON!

AND TO THE STUPRD BAPOK! WHATS WITH YOU MSGING ME SAYING TO GET ALIVE? HAHA PLS GIMME A BREAK YOU CREATURE WITH UNDEFINED GENDER.CMON YOUR AN IN BETWEEN SO DON'T U DAR MESS AROUND WITH ME.I AM WAY SMARTER AND WAY OFF YOU.U AINT COMPARABLE TO ME CAUSE YOUVE GOT AN IDENTITY CRISIS TO ADDRESS YOURSELF .SO YOU GET ALIVE.HOW SENSELESS CAN SOMEONE GET? yOU MAY HAVE EVERYTHING IN LUXURY BUT THE ONE THING YOU DON'T HAVE IS THE TRUE VIRTUE OF A WOMAN.! SLUT,BITCH.WAIT! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU CAUSE YOUR GENDER IS UNDEFINED? YOU POOR THING!

2007-07-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone is happy with the decision that was made.EVERYONE.Thanks to all who stood by me.I am still accepting it.Not the fact that he has left but the fact that I was nothing to him.I am numb.I really am from all the undued attention he gave,the sweet nothings,I don't what or how I fell for all of it.Anf the fact that you can say:BABY YOU WERE THE TOUGHEST GIRL EVER. Well you came,you wrecked,you left.Is this is the way its going down,cause this is not the way to say goodbye.I have put you as my worst nightmare,I dunno whatever that is going through your shit hell head now.You can pretend but baby the world is a small place.Everyone is interconnected in someway or another.And ad for me..you don't need to say.YOU CAN ASK YOUR FUCKED UP BEST FREN AND HE WILL TELL YOU IN YOUR MAMA LINGO "Deh she ponne NAP da!You should see her dance da deh.. sudu eridum"Yupp well your frens are certainly deprived like you.Thanks for doubting my love,knowing the soft side of me and always trying to dig that very vulnerable side of me,boy you know me really well.And if youe ever going to bitch about me.. thats it MR your gonna get a big hell load of shit from me.. or rather wait.. from those who are around me.This was something i never contemplated.YOU WERE THE ONE WHO IMPEDED MY PROGRESS.YOU WERE THE ONE SCRUTINIZING MY PROFILE>FUCKIN HELL.. Ask your damn self.whos fault it was. now self talking is never going to work for.cause your a fucked up person with a character that stinks totally and stop telling people that you loved me.You said FORGET IT.PRETEND THINGS NEVER HAPPENED? Well I am the one who is going to benefit.Cause it your loss that you lost me.In have nothing to lose.I have everthing,A beautiful family,loyal friends,money,and a luxurious and happy life..the happiness accelerated when you came into my life but later then I knew it was decelarating.How did I ever let it affect me.I am honest about how I feel.I feel like a wretch,a lost soul.So much had happened that I am hating everyhting and I am afraid.I am really afraid to fall in love,that's the impact you have left on me.Why am I affected so much? I don't know.I really don't know.You know my character,I am a perfectionist,a high achiever. I want htings to go by the path I sketched it to.I have always worked hard for whatever I wanted.But I am a failure to you? Well maybe in your life I am.Cause you were a failure yourself,The lies you weaved were intricate and I was innocent,rather stupid to bu them.YOu said you changed,pleaded for the second time but you blew it .You blew it all.And fancy turning it all around and making it seem as if I am a bad girl? Why MR? Is it because I found out your promiscuousity? And are that afraid that I might spread tales about you? Well there is no need for that cause you have been labelled ny the society :***** is A MALE PROSTITUTE.Wad a name.Ask youself is what your doin fair? Thank god to my friend who pulled me outta this mess you were trying to create.Thanks to her or else I know that I will fall again and never be able to get up.UR A LUSTY BASTARD WITH SEXUAL NEEDS THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED LIKE HUNGER PANG,ITS YOUR HOBBY. Your a total disgrace to the society.Why do you even exist? I hate you!

A fucked up ex .

2007-07-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

I never did want things to turn out this way.I never did.We are two worlds apart.We can never be together.Never.Not when my whole family knows what type of a guy you are.Still I went against everything,making attempts to love you again.I never promised you rainbows and a garden of roses..It is all about compromising,You wanted me.The way you tried so hard.You loved me.I hated you from the start.Blame myself for falling into your trap.Everyone warned me.. but I was really obstinate.I deserve it.And after that conversation you seemed so convincing but I had my doubts,I am numb.I am in pain.I don't want to hate you but I can't help it.

I want to forget you.I will someday,not too soon.
I am absolutely disgusted by your behaviour.I really am.It is not my fault if my friend had to ask you if you were trying to get back.If you were serious you would have been honest with her.Why the lies?You wanted us to be low profile? LOok here! I know too many people and nothing about me can be low profile.Well I am glad your fucking hell out of my life.Now your just a piece of trash to me.YOu were my bigget mistake,my worst nightmare.You made me fall so hard that it seemed so hard to get up.If not for my friends and their support I would have never been able to put through the shit you gave me.

You said I was the worst gf you ever had? WELL YOU WERE MY FUGLIEST BF IN ATTITUDE AND BRAINS. YOu really were. I AM WAY SMARTER THAN YOU.You were after my money,you were possesive,YOu nothing I wanted.NOthing.I thought you would have changed,but a leopard would never change its spots.It wouldnt take me a minute to ruin your reputation futhur and get rid of that girl who is being cheated by you.Your a bag of shit.You don't even deserve any respect from anyone.YOu really don't.I can get information about you in a second MR. But I am not inhumane to make your life worst.What can I say your just a priceless work of art.To those who wonder who I am talking about.Its none other than a fucked up dancer who was once my love.Yess go figure who is it.Fucked up player WHAT GOES AROUND WILL COME WAY BACK AROUND. AND ITLL HIT YOU REAAAAAAAL HARD! I wish you bever fuckin hell existed or came into my life.You don't know the meaning of love and you dont deserve to be loved by anyone.YOu don't Cause all you want is a girls body.Fuckin hell.Pity your friends who have to put up with you and the very fact that you might have an STD would pose a further threat.I totally pity all you ex gfs for putting up with you.I WAS THE SMARTEST TO FIND OUT,WAIT AND TO SCREW YOU TO AN EXTENT THAT YOU COULDNT REPLY.DUN MESS AROUND WITH ME MR AT. DUN EVER! DUN GO AROUND SAYING I WAS YOUR EX GF.CAUSE ITS HUMILIATING..FUCK OFF im glad we have seperated. and for your info I have deleted everything,your no,your pics,those lovey dovey messages ,the pics we took are probabli in the incinerator.Everthing.I hate you.I am totally sick of all this shit.
LUST BRINGS YOU NO WHERE! FUCK OFF AT! FUCK OFF

At last!

2007-07-16T02:37:00.000-07:00

(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
yoz baby
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
hw r u ?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
im good baby
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
missed ya alot
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
when u gonna see me
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i miss u too
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
muackz
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
same here
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
hw is sch?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
u sure?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
u dun have anyone else?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
why did you love me so much?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i didnt love anyone else but u baby
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
am im sure about that
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
y?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
but y me?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
you found someone huh?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
nah
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
im still the same baby
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
Im really sorry about that
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i really am
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
More like you dun wana give things another shot .
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
but yea
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
I still love u the same
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
we can date again
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
yup
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
..
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
NO PROFILE!
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
u tellin me tht?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
okay its my fault,I said sorry ,im sorry baby
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
misses yur kisses
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
I miss my babyboy
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
and i miss everything about you baby.I just wanna love you
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
U are fuckin hot.My property.
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
:)
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
yup
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
can we start it over?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN YOUR PROPERTY
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
wasnt that enuf baby?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
nah
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
My juniors will be from you.
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
got juniors somemore ah!!
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
WONT!
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
You want me,then screw things up,Is this what you want,Why are you like this?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
u screwed the relationship
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
i were to dumb ya
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
i could haf juz done it the minute after we met.
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i did all the shit
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i know
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
im sorry
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
:)
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
i really am
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
its ok
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
we shall date again
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
stop smilingyou shitface:P!
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
and can i be yur 1st to love you again?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
:)
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
u sure?
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
You want me so much?
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
I love you baby
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
of course I want you
*Velvetkisses*Lil-vain*I wear halo.Now its back to where I started says:
stop winkin and smiling you asswipe!
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
baby
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
i gtg
(¯`·._.·[]·._.·´¯) says:
see ya around aiight

I have the least idea about what happening.But yea its a mystery,I hate this shit.

I miss everyone.

2007-07-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have lab exam today.Compulsory skills.Kinda nervous though.I read up and memorised as much as I ccould.My whole body hurts.I dunno why.Took painkillers to alleviate the pain.The pain is quite superficial for now,but I fell very exhausted.Saw my darling Joyce,she is going to be a mother! And I am the godmomma!! My my..I can't wait for the baby to arrive.Its so exciting.We are going to go shopping after our exams.The expected delivery date is in NOV.My my I am so excited! I can't wait.I love kids.I really do.They are very adorable and irresistable.Was having a convo with ghaya darling and rubzy.I managed to get them back together !! She was really happy,I could here it from the tone of her voice and her ever so bubbly laughter.Well I am really happy for them and whatever that happens I'd stand by the both of you!I miss my grandma and my darling cousin.I can't wait for my exams to be over this week then I can go over and visit them.Grandpa is going for his colonescopy today.I hope there wouldnt be any significant findings.Im praying hard.
Well thats all for now:) I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THE SONG SATHISH SENT ME.Its really nice to hear!

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.
One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you
I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that's my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.
Why you think that you know me
But In your eyes
I am something above you
It's only in your mind
Only in your mind

That last thing.

2007-07-15T19:07:00.001-07:00

Pretending that you were faithful to me
Knowing that your heart's with someone else
Living with a hope was just my dream
I was sleeping in your shadow
Now you can see it clearly in the light
Knowing there's no complications
Now you can see a chance to live your life
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself
Oh baby, oh baby, we did the best we could do
I'm sorry that you're leaving
Baby, oh baby, you've found a light in the sky
And someone to believe in
Baby, there's someone out there who cares
And if you feel low with no place to go
Think of me.Cause I am there for you.I fuckin hell miss you.I hate you so much.

I fell as hard as I tried.

2007-07-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone, you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?
So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you
It's been a long time since you called me
You got me feeling crazy
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

2007-07-15T01:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really awesome.I was not very well though.Went for my bowling game in the morning.The game went well.But we didnt make it to the finals.It was saddening but yea.My hands were aching from carrying the ball.OUCH!!I hurt my wrist too.I sprained it.It hurts alot though.Jegs,Naresh,Sharjun were in my team.I was the only girl.Now that's not surprising cause I am always the only rose among thr thorns.Haha.Well yea after the game I rushed off to meet mom to get a dress.I got a black short one.It was low cut and pretty sexayy!! (the way I like it!)Well yea I came back home and got all dolled up for my friends 21st.Met asha at 6pm and headed to ceylon sports club .We werent very sure how to get there. And yea MAN!! WE WERE LIKE BIMBOS!! Haha.. asha don't deny! We had a super camwhoring session.. now I am a camwhore.. so yea.. we took alott of pics.I had lotsa fun at the party though.Mugz and yoga looked so nice! ANd they were disturbing me as usual.Haha my awesome junior nurses! Hehe.Well I left upon dad's arrival.He came to pick me up and boy he knew the whole of the guests.Sometimes it sucks when your dad is well known.It really does.We took a cab back home an dad was chatting as usual with me.I came back and got changed.My sexy bummerboy messaged me.And we were crapping as usual.REUBEN you damn crazy ! And I miss you!! We are planning to have a chalet party soon.Well at least after my finals that is.I have exam next week.I am so stressed out.I gotta get back to mugging.Final year is so screwed up.Ima really tensed.

Thats My Life

2007-07-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Now the stress is building upon me.Its been an affair of tutorials,lectures,assignments,exhibitions,my tournament.Yes it taking a toll.Met asha and prem yesterday and I had this wierd craving for OLD CHANG KEE'S currypuff! Haha.yea prem was annoying me as usual.. I don't know what pleasure he drives from it but yea.. his annoyance is the funny kind.. where you can never get angry but to laugh it off.We were comparing our heights.. and yes I WASS THE SHORTEST:( Haha..We then left for home shortly after that.Asha and me were just sharing on how stressed up we are.We have the same symptoms! Restless,Having difficulty staying asleep and having a bad headache and stuffs..we then we deciding on what to wear for Pushpa's 21st tomorrow.Okay I have set my eyes on that BLACK dress!! Ohhlala..I can't wait for the party though cause I really need a time out.I am having a bowling tournament tommorrow,its with Jegs and his frens.Cousin Jegs is another annoying one.We are probably going to turn the tournament into war ground I bet.Cause we just can't get along and imagine we are int he same team! Thanks to uncle! Arhhh! I am looking forward to tommorrow I really am.

Monday is my lab skills exams,Its on resuscitation and airway management.Oh god!
Wednesday is the theory of the whole thing! TPN,RESUS,INTUBATION,EVERYTHING! I got to recap on my CPR!!Friday is the alternative skills exam..I am really stressed out.Its alot to study and I am kinda scared cause I have really started.Its really hard to delegate the time,especially when you have tons of projects to do.My friends also have been complaining to me about it.. and I am like a little aunt agony who tries to keep their stress at bay by talking to them and stuff! haha.. yup yup.. Okay thats all for now:)

*yawnz*

And to hiphopjuliet,my cousin... ur tags were so mean! he was nice but yea its a good thing we broke off ,I have no time for all the nonsence he does,I have had enough of everything!Being treated like plastic.. I can never stop if start about him!

School.My life

2007-07-11T03:57:00.000-07:00

Ok now its school that I am going to rave about.Its been really screwed up.Assignments and porjects and tutorial after tutorials.Whoa! A whole hellova lot of stress.I have been trying to maintain my composed state.I can't take it though.It'll be all over soon.When I graduate.Now I have to be clear of what I want.Ms Chia was speaking to me.She was really nice in that sense cause she really knows what I am going through inside out.I am not like any other girl,I am somone who needs to get whatever I want.And I'll do all it takes to get everything I want.Yes you may see it as stubborn.But I don't care.Cause thats the way I am.People tend to judge me.God knows why.Look at me and you come to a conclusion?Criticise me? Go on raving about it..its not going to affect me.I have learned it the hard way.Perpetually being betrayed,toyed with,scrutinized.Enough! I have been through what you can put it as mental torture,From my eating disorder,to relationships.Everything.But I have learned valuable lessons from it.I have morphed,life is short and you can't possibly brood over the mistakes you make.Everyone makes mistakes,learn from it.Everyone has setbacks,and it makes us stronger.I am who I am.I love myself.I may seem very unapproachable but thats not me.I am brutally opinionated and yes vulnerable.Thanks to my darling who have been there for me.And thanks my ex's who have indeed taught me a valuable lesson and have been given the honour of "PLAYBOY" by yours once upon a time beloved.I can never appreciate the awareness you have instilled in me.You cut me deep time and again but its all worth it now.I see my life the way I'd see it.YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO JUDGE ME!

2007-07-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

Home is shit,Dad can be a tyrant and a pain in the neck.When mom is ok dad is screwed up when dad is ok mum is screwed up.Its just so hard.He thinks his dominance can discipline anyone.I hate it.Being controlled, being told what to do.Even my ex bf was a tyrant in that sense.I hate.. hate.. I fuckin hell hate to be control or to lead my life the way others want me to lead.Hello? I am human,the least you could do is respect me for who I am.Life is fucked up.CAll me cheap? Excuse me. Where did all that words went to when I topped the class with A's?When the teachers came and told you that:your daughter is very lovable and someone with great potential? Where Where.YOU NEVER ALLOWED ME TO DO ANYTHING I WANTED TO YOU NEVER EVER DID.For every damn thing you controoled me.All you said was "NO THIS ISNT THE RIGHT TIME" I never said I wanted to club,and I don't hang out late.You complain about my dressing,my attitude.Everything.YOU TEND TO BELIEVE OTHERS.YOU DUN EVEN TRUST YOUR OWN DAUGHTER? Enough of everything that I have put up with.Your shit,your tyrannical attitude.I don't care about what your sisters think of me dad.CAUSE THIS IS HOW I WILL BE. You gave me everything I wanted,you were a great dad nonetheless but all you wanted out of me is STRAIGHT A's Everything.You looked down upon my ITE bf.. werent you from an ITE yourself? Think about it dad.. I know you wanted the best for me.. but dad I am grown up.I AM WHO I AM.

2007-07-09T03:35:00.000-07:00

Its been preety long since I blogged.Well plenty of shit has been going through my mind.Yes I STILL can't LET YOU GO.I don't know why.I really don't.Your like a malignant virus.Now you can deny it all babyboy but it yourself that your cheating.It somehow feels weird but I am doing ok but sometimes I just feel itll be better with you around.About all the shit..I don't wanna mention.There was a real replica of you.I SWEAR ! And man I got a shock of my life cause I had this very feeling it was you.I went numb all over.I really did.Wish I could switch up worlds.You treated me literally like a toy.I still can't accpet it.But I reackon I'm just too vulnerable.You never did reply to my messages which I sent you long back.Sometimes I wish I was the boy.Ur messing with my head again.I can't take it boy.I really can't. I dont hate you.I am freakin disappointed.I really am.The words you uttered it really hurts.Now you can get anyone you want but boy ask yourself who your cheating.. its ultimately yourself,I am stuck within four walls,your lies,your betrayals flash through my mind like a movie that never end.I wanna run away but your thoughts are holding me back. DO you feel like a man when you affect a girl like me? What did I do? You said it all my fault Hello? Excuse me.. ask ask ask who is the one at fault.Here I am in my room crying like an ass while I type this do fuckin hell care? NO you don't. You fucking hell wanted another chance .. you proved you were worth it and now you did this.Its been awhile since we spoke yes.. I dun deny that I miss you,I really do.Cause you were part of me for a few months.One last chance seem like a game of lust to you.I am forced to think the world is hell.I really am.Cause I am totally affected.My mentor was kind enough to call me up and speak to me.And now its ultimately me.My decision.Now I have decided.I AM going to forget you.I am.Part of me is still in you.Boy I am high maintainence.You can never fit my bill.NEVER.EVEN IF YOU DID..I KNOW YOUR GAME. I am forgetting you.Its time I did.I wanna move on.I am.From this minute.I DUNO WHO YOU ARE.Lets pretend we never had anything.Well you know and I know what you did to me was really unfair.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

The dream girl convo:P

2007-07-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

A convo that was really like a tamil movie kinda thing:)
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
y u keep changing ur hairstyle lah
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
ooh
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
me huh
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
is this--> new hair nice?
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
i duuno la
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
im a hair freakk
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
everytime also change
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
hehe
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
wad is ur impression on goth?
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
hmmm
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
okay
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
nice
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
but i dunno
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
but wot i get attracted 2 in a gurl is da eyes n da hair n da smile
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
hehe
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
thts nice
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
some guys go for body la,skin la,legs la
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
haizzzz
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
mine is a guys height
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
i lovee tall guys
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
i dunno
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
i really can fall in love wid da eyes
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
SOME GURLS HAVE VERY NICE EYES
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
LIKE MINE
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
yea
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
i know dat . . .
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
eh i chuuma adichu uduraan!
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
urs i dunno
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
but i alr saw da most beautiful pair of eyes alr . . .
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
hehe
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
paavi
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
who is that angel?
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
i dun really know
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
came in my dream 1 . . .
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
eh
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
eanna tamil paddama?
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
no
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
reallyy
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
okay okay
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
i know why!
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
cause you spoke to me before u sleep!
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
y?
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
thts why!!
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
pls lah
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
paanii
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
thn go on
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
hw was she like?
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
fair? pretty?
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
like me?
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:

fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
okay okay
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
kinda tall
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
big round eyes
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
nice smile
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
soft hair . . .
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
and thn?
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
wot else u wan me to tell
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
hmmm..
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
dunno
My girls are forever, BOYS are WHATEVER! says:
tell everythinn!
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
haha
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
i dunno wto to telll
fLy LiKe a BuTtErFLy . . . sTiNg LiKe a BEE ! ! ! says:
it was justa dream

Hope that dream girl appears in front of him:)

2007-07-03T23:52:00.001-07:00

Your Beauty Element is Fire

Wild and sexy, you keep your beauty style smokin' hot.
You're not afraid of glamour or showing off your assets!

What's Your Beauty Element?